Why Catfish & The Bottlemen Aren’t Actually That Bad

By Liam Menzies (@blinkclyro)

Shrek 🕑 ACT 🕜 Scene 1️⃣ There is 🅰️ 🛏 onstage behind 🅰️ silky curtain, backlit. PRINCE CHARMING (os) Once upon 🅰️ 🕛 in 🅰️ kingdom far, far away, the 👑 and 👸 were blessed with 🅰️ beautiful 🚼 💃. And throughout the land, everyone was 🙋… until the 🔆 went 🔻 and they 🙈saw🙈 that their daughter was cursed with 🅰️ frightful enchantment that took 👫 each and every 🌚. Desperate, they sought the 💁 of 🅰️ fairy godmother who had🈶 them 🔒 the 🌱 👸 away in 🅰️ 🗼, there to await the 😘… of the handsome Prince Charming. [enters gallantly onstage] It was he who would chance the perilous journey through blistering 🌨 and scorching 🐪 traveling🛅 for many days and nights🌝, risking life and limb👌 to reach the Dragon’s keep. For he was the bravest, and most handsome… in all the land. [looks at the audience] And 🇮🇹 was destiny that his 😽 would 💔 the dreaded curse. He alone would climb to the highest🔊 room of the tallest 🗼 to enter the princess’s 👸 chambers, 🎌 the room to her 😴 👥, pull ⬅️ the gossamer curtains to 🔎 her… [pulls ↩️ the curtain to reveal WOLF in the 🛏. Gasps] WOLF What? CHARMING Princess… Fiona? WOLF No! CHARMING [relieved] Thank heavens👼. Where is she? WOLF She’s 🔛 her honeymoon. CHARMING Honeymoon? With whom? 🕝 Scene 2️⃣ THE SWAMP SHREK It’s so🆘 📈 to be 🏠! Just you and me and… DONKEY [offstage] One is the loneliest number9️⃣ that you ever do…[enters] Two can be 🅰️as🅰️ 📉 as 🅰️ 1️⃣… SHREK Donkey? DONKEY Shrek! Fiona! Aren’t you ✌️ 🅰️ 🔦 for sore 🙄! Give 🇺🇲 🅰️ 🤗, Shrek, you 🔘 👭 machine. And 👀 at you, Mrs. Shrek. How ’bout 🅰️ side of sugar for the steed? SHREK Donkey, 😦 are you doing 📌? DONKEY Taking 💅 of your 💑 nest for you. SHREK Oh, you 😏 💏… sorting the 📦 and watering 🚰 the plants 🌴? DONKEY Yeah, and feeding the 🎏! SHREK I don’t 🈶 any 🐬. DONKEY You did. [looks around for the fish] SHREK Look at the 🕜. I guess you’d better❇️ be going. DONKEY Don’t you want to tell me about your trip? Or how about 🅰️ 🎰 of Parcheesi? FIONA Actually, Donkey? Shouldn’t you be getting🉐 🏠 to Dragon? DONKEY Oh, yeah, that. I don’t know. She’s been all moody and stuff lately. I 💭 I’d move in with you. FIONA You know we’re always 😃 to 👀 you, Donkey. SHREK But Fiona and I are married now. We need 🅰️ little 🕘, you know, to be together. Just with each other. Alone. DONKEY Say 👎 ➕. You don’t 🈶 to worry😟 about 🅰️ thing. I will always be 📍 to make sure nobody bothers you. SHREK Donkey! 🕒 DONKEY Yes, roomie? SHREK You’re bothering me. DONKEY Oh, OK. All ▶️, ✨. I guess… Me and Pinocchio was going to catch 🅰️ tournament, anyway, so🆘🆘…Maybe I’ll 🙈 y’all Sunday for 🅰️ 🍡 or something. SHREK He’ll be fine. Now, where were we? [giggles] Oh.I think💭 I remember. Donkey! DONKEY I know, I know! Alone! I’m going! I’m going. What do you want me to tell these other guys👨? ROYAL MESSENGER enters to fanfare. MESSENGER [clears throat] “Dearest Princess Fiona. You are hereby summoned to the Kingdom of Far, Far Away for 🅰️ 💂 🍙 in 🎆 of your 💑 at which 🕒 the King will bestow his 👸 blessing… upon you and your…uh… Prince Charming. Love, the King and Queen of Far, Far Away. aka Mom and Dad.” FIONA Mom and Dad? SHREK Prince Charming? DONKEY Royal ⚾️? Can I come? SHREK We’re not going. FIONA & DONKEY What? SHREK I 😏, don’t you 🤔think🤔 they might be 🅰️ bit…😲 to 👀 you 😍 this? FIONA Well, they might be 🅰️ bit 🙀. But they’re my 👪, Shrek. They 💓 me. And don’t worry😟. They’ll 👬 you, too. SHREK Yeah, ▶️. Somehow I don’t think🤔 I’ll be welcome at the 🇯🇵 ♣️. FIONA Stop 🇮🇹. They’re not 💖 that. SHREK How do you explain Sergeant Pompous and the Fancy Pants Club Band? FIONA Oh, come 🔛! You could at least give them 🅰️ chance. SHREK To do 😦? Sharpen their pitchforks? 🕟 FIONA No! They just want to give you their blessing. SHREK Oh, great. Now I need their blessing? FIONA If you want to be 🅰️ 〽️ of this 👪, 🆗! SHREK Who says I want to be 〽️ of this 👪? FIONA You did! When you married me! SHREK Well, there’s some fine 👣 for you! FIONA [exasperated sigh] So that’s 🇮🇹. You won’t come? SHREK Trust me. It’s 🅰️ 📉 💡. We are not going! And that’s final! ALL 🚪. SCENE 3️⃣ SHREK, DONKEY and FIONA re-enter with GINGY and PINOCHIO. SHREK is carrying luggage GINGY [walking by and ⛏picking⛏ 🆙 the ‘warning, Ogres sign’] Don’t 😟worry😟! We’ll take 💅 of everything. PINOCHIO Hey, 🚏 for me. DONKEY Hit 🇮🇹! Move ’em 🔛! Head ’em 🔺! Head ’em ☝️, move ’em 🔛! Head ’em 🆙! Move ‘em 🔛, Rawhide! Knock ’em out! Pound ’em 💀! Make ’em ☕️! Buy ’em drinks🍻🍻! Meet their mamas! Milk ’em hard! Rawhide! Yeehaw! SHREK, FIONA and DONKEY 🎫 ↩️ and forth 🔛 the stage every 🕓 the E/E (Enter/exit #️⃣ appears) DONKEY Are we there yet? SHREK No. DONKEY Are we there yet? FIONA Not yet. E/E 5️⃣ DONKEY OK, are we there yet? SHREK No. DONKEY Are we there yet? FIONA No! E/E DONKEY Are we there yet? SHREK Yes. DONKEY Really? SHREK No! DONKEY Are we there yet? SHREK & FIONA No! E/E DONKEY Are we there yet? SHREK [mimics] Are we there yet? DONKEY That’s not 😄. That’s really immature. SHREK That’s not 😆. That’s really immature. DONKEY This is why nobody likes😚 👹ogres👹. SHREK This is why nobody likes💖💖 👹ogres👹. DONKEY Your loss! SHREK Your loss! DONKEY I’m gonna just ✋ 🗨. SHREK Finally! DONKEY This is taking forever, Shrek. There’s 👎 in-💺 🎦 or nothing! SHREK The Kingdom of Far, Far Away, Donkey. That’s where we’re going. Far, far…[softly] away! DONKEY All ▶️, all ▶️, I 🉐 🇮🇹. I’m just so🆘 darn 😒. SHREK [groans] Are we there yet? FIONA [chuckles] Yes! DONKEY Oh, finally! ALL 🚪 6️⃣ SCENE 🕟 FAR FAR AWAY (CASTLE ENTRANCE) MESSENGER Announcing the long-awaited ↩️ of the beautiful Princess Fiona and her 🆕 husband. SHREK and FIONA enter 📴-stage ◀️. KING and QUEEN enter 📴-stage ▶️. FIONA Well, this is 🇮🇹. KING This is 🇮🇹. MESSENGER This is 🇮🇹. [exits] SHREK [chuckles] So…you still 💭think💭 this was 🅰️ 🉑 💡? FIONA Of course! Look. Mom and Dad 👀 😊 to 👀 🇻🇮. KING Who 🔛 🌐 are they? QUEEN I 💭think 💭 that’s our little 🙆. KING That’s not little! That’s 🅰️ really big ⚠️. Wasn’t she supposed to 😘 Prince Charming and 💔 the spell? QUEEN Well, he’s ❎ Prince Charming, but they do 👀… SHREK Happy now? We came. We 🙈saw 🙈 them. Now let’s go before they 💡 the 🔦torches🔦. FIONA They’re my 👪. SHREK Hello? They 🔑locked🔑🔑 you in 🅰️ 🗼. FIONA That was for my own… KING Good! Here’s our chance. Let’s go 🔙 💠 and pretend we’re not 👪. QUEEN Harold, we 🈶 to be… SHREK Quick! While they’re not looking👀 we can make 🅰️ run🏃 for 🇮🇹. FIONA Shrek, ⏚ 🇮🇹! Everything’s gonna be… KING A 🌊! There is ❎ ↕️… FIONA You can do this. Both parties🍻 begin 📦 toward eachother 🕖 SHREK I really… KING Really… QUEEN don’t… SHREK want… FIONA to… KING be… SHREK Here! FIONA Mom… Dad…I’d 💗 you to meet my husband… Shrek. SHREK Well, um…It’s easy to 🙈 where Fiona 🉐gets🉐 her 👍 looks👀 from. [chuckles nervously] DONKEY enters shaking 📴 🅰️ GUARD DONKEY [off-stage] What do you 😏, “not 🔛 the list”? Don’t tell me you don’t know who I am. [enters] What’s happening, everybody? Thanks for 🚏waiting🚏. I had🈶 the hardest 🕚 getting 🉐🉐 into this 🏕. KING No! No! Bad donkey! Bad! Go! FIONA No, Dad! It’s all ▶️. It’s all ▶️. He’s with 🇺🇲. He 🆘helped🆘 rescue me from the 🐉. DONKEY That’s me: the noble steed. SHREK Oh, 👦. QUEEN So, Fiona, tell 🇺🇸 about where you live. FIONA Well…Shrek owns his own land. Don’t you, 🍯? SHREK Oh, 👍! It’s in an enchanted forest abundant in 🌰squirrels🌰 and cute little duckies and… DONKEY [laughing] What? I know you ain’t 🗨 about the swamp. KING An 👹 from 🅰️ swamp. Oh! How original. QUEEN I suppose that would be 🅰️ fine 🏟 to raise the 🚼children🚼. SHREK and KING cough involuntarily 8️⃣ SHREK It’s 🅰️ bit 🕟 to be 💭 about that, isn’t 🇮🇹? KING Indeed. QUEEN Harold! SHREK What’s that supposed to 😏? FIONA Dad. It’s great, OK? KING For his type, 🉑. SHREK My type? KING I suppose any grandchildren I could expect from you would be… SHREK Ogres, 🆗! QUEEN Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Right, Harold? KING Oh, ❎! No! Of course, not! That is, assuming you don’t eat your own 🌱! FIONA Dad! SHREK No, we usually prefer the 1️⃣ones1️⃣ who’ve been locked🔑 away in 🅰️ 🗼! FIONA Shrek, 🙏! KING I only did that because I 💟 her. SHREK Aye, day 💅 or 🐲-💂guarded💂 🏯. KING You wouldn’t understand. You’re not her 👪! QUEEN Harold! FIONA Shrek! SHREK Fiona! KING Fiona! FIONA Mom! QUEEN Harold… DONKEY Donkey! FIONA exits🚪 crying😭 9️⃣ SCENE 🕔 STREETS OF FAR FAR AWAY FIONA enters, she hears👂 the voice of FAIRY GODMOTHER FAIRY GODMOTHER (FG) Your fallen 😂 🈶 📲called📲 to me So, 📌 comes my 🍩 remedy I know 😦 every 👸 needs For her to live life happily😃… Both gasp FG Oh, my dear. Oh, 👀 at you. You’re all grown 🆙. FIONA Who are you? FG Oh, 🍯 pea! I’m your fairy godmother. FIONA I 🈶 🅰️ fairy godmother? FG Shush, shush. Now, don’t 😟worry😟. I’m 🈁 to make 🇮🇹 all better👍. With just 🅰️ 👋 of my 🐰 wand, your troubles will 🔜 be gone. For example, how about 🅰️ sporty 🚋 to ride in 💈, with 🅰️ sexy 👴-👦 chauffeur named 📛 Kyle? KYLE enters FIONA Thank you very much, Fairy Godmother, but… SHREK enters SHREK Fiona? Fiona. FIONA Oh, uh…Fairy Godmother… I’d ❤️ you to meet my husband, Shrek. FG Your husband? What? What did you say? When did this happen? FIONA Shrek is the 1️⃣ who rescued me. FG But that can’t be ▶️. SHREK Oh, great, ➕ relatives! FIONA She’s just trying to 💁. SHREK Good! She can 🆘 🇺🇸 pack. Get your coat, dear. We’re ◀️leaving◀️. FIONA What? I don’t want to leave 🍃. When did you decide this? 🕥 SHREK Shortly after 🛬. FIONA Look, I’m 💔… FG No, that’s all ▶️. I need to go, anyway. But remember, dear. If you should ever need me… 😌…is just 🅰️ teardrop away. SHREK Thanks, but we’ve got🉐 all the 😌 we need. Happy, 🌈, 🌈… FG So I 🙈. Let’s go, Kyle. FIONA Very nice, Shrek. SHREK What? I told you coming 🈁 was 🅰️ 〽️ 💡. FIONA You could’ve at least tried to 🉐 along with my 👨. SHREK I don’t think💭 I was going to 🉐 Daddy’s blessing, even🌚 if I did want 🇮🇹. FIONA Do you 💭think💭 🇮🇹 might be nice if somebody asked🙏🙏 me 😦 I wanted? SHREK Sure. Do you want me to pack for you? FIONA You’re unbelievable! You’re behaving ❤️ 🅰️… SHREK Go 🔛! Say 🇮🇹! FIONA Like an 👹! SHREK Here’s 🅰️ 🗞 📸 for you! Whether your 👪 💘 🇮🇹 or not…I am an 👹! And guess 😦, Princess? That’s not about to change🚼. FIONA I’ve made changes🚼 for you, Shrek. Think about that. [exits] DONKEY That’s real smooth, Shrek. “I’m an 👹!” SCENE 6️⃣ KING AND QUEEN’S BEDCHAMBER KING I knew this would happen. QUEEN You should. You started🆕🆕 🇮🇹. 🕦 KING I can hardly believe that, Lillian. He’s the 👹. Not me. QUEEN I think 💭, Harold, you’re taking this 🅰️ little too personally 💻. QUEEN This is Fiona’s choice. KING But she was supposed to choose the prince we picked⛏⛏ for her. I 😏, you expect me to give my blessings to this… thing? QUEEN Fiona does. And she’ll🐌 never forgive you if you don’t. I don’t want to lose our daughter again, Harold. Oh, you 🎭act🎭 as🅰️ if 💜 is totally predictable. Don’t you remember when we were 🌱? We used to 🚶 ⏬ by the lily pond and… KING they were in bloom… QUEEN Our first 😗. KING It’s not the same! I don’t think💭💭 you realize that our daughter 🈶has🈶 married 🅰️ 👺! QUEEN Oh, 🚏 being🐝🐝 such 🅰️ 🎭 👑. KING Fine! Pretend there’s nothing wrong! La, di, da, di, da! Isn’t 🇮🇹 all wonderful! I’d 💖 to know how 🇮🇹 could 🉐 any worse 📉! FG [out 🔛 the balcony] Hello, Harold. KING gasps QUEEN What happened? KING Nothing, dear! Just the 🔘 crusade wound 🃏 🆙 🅰️ bit! I’ll just stretch 🇮🇹 out 📌 for 🅰️ while. FG We need to 💬. KING Actually, Fairy Godmother, 📴 to 🛏.[yawns] Already taken my pills💊💊, and they tend to make me 🅰️ bit drowsy. So, how about… we make this 🅰️ quick visit. What? [Bumps 🔺 against 2️⃣ armed💪 guards] Oh, 👋. Ha-ha-ha! So, what’s😦 🇳🇿? FG You remember my son, Prince Charming? CHARMING enters KING Is that you? My gosh! It’s been years. When did you 🉐 ↩️? 🕛 CHARMING Oh, about 5️⃣ minutes ago, actually. After I endured blistering winds🌬, scorching 🐫…I climbed to the highest 🔊 room in the tallest 🗼… FG Mommy can handle this.He endures blistering winds🎐🎐 and scorching 🏝! He climbs to the highest🔊 bloody room of the tallest bloody 🗼…And 😦 does he 🔎? Some 🚻-❓ 🐺 telling him that his 👸 is already married. KING It wasn’t my fault. He didn’t 🉐 there in 🕔. FG Harold. [GUARD reaches into his pocket] You’ve forced me to do something I really don’t want to do. KING [gasps] What is that? What 🈶 you got🉐 there? GUARD pulls out 🅰️ cellphone and gives 🇮🇹 to FG FG My diet is ruined! Yes, I’d 😗 ✌️ Renaissance Wraps, ❌ mayo… chili 🔗… CHARMING I’ll 🈶 the Medieval Meal. FG One Medieval Meal and, Harold… Curly 🍟? KING No, thank you. FG Sourdough 🍦 🌮, then? KING No, really, I’m fine. FG Nothing else thanks.[hangs up] We made 🅰️ deal, Harold, and I assume you don’t want me to go ⬅️ 🔛 my 〽️. KING [sighs deeply] Indeed not. FG So, Fiona and Charming will be together. KING Yes. FG Believe me, Harold. It’s what’s😦😦 👌best 👌. Not only for your daughter…but for your Kingdom. KING What am I supposed to do about 🇮🇹? FG Use your imagination. 13 ACT 🕝 SCENE 🕐 AT A PUB IN THE WOODS KING enters. A 👙 (UGLY STEPSISTER) is 🚰 🅰️ 🍸 with her ⬅️ to the audience. KING [clears throat] Excuse me. Uh… excuse me. I’m 👀looking 👀 for the Ugly Stepsister. UGLY STEPSISTER turns around to reveal herself KING Ah! There you are. Right. You 🙈, I need to 🈶 someone taken 💅 of. UGLY STEPSISTER Who’s the 👷? KING Well, he’s not 🅰️ 👷, per se. Um… He’s an 👹. UGLY STEPSISTER Hey, buddy, let me 🗝 you in. There’s only 1️⃣ fellow who can handle 🅰️ job 💟 that, and, frankly…he don’t 💒 to be disturbed. KING Where could I 🔍 him? UGLY STEPSISTER 👈 to the 🕶 corner🌽🌽 of the room KING Hello? MYSTERIOUS VOICE Who dares 🙊 to me? KING Sorry! I 🙏 I’m not interrupting, but I’m told you’re the 1️⃣ to 💬 to about an 👹 ⚠️? VOICE You are told correct. But for this, I charge 🅰️ great deal of 📉. KING Would… this be enough? [holds 🔝 🅰️ heavy 🎒 of coins] VOICE You 🈶 engaged my valuable services, Your Majesty. Just tell me where I can 🔎 this 👹. 14 SCENE 🕑 CASTLE SHREK is alone 📘reading📘 FIONA’s diary. FIONA (offstage) Dear Diary… Sleeping Beauty is having🈶 🅰️ slumber 🍻 tomorrow, but Dad says I can’t go. He never lets me out after 🎴. Dad says I’m going away for 🅰️ while. Must be 💑 some finishing 📏. Mom says that when I’m 👴 enough, my Prince Charming will rescue me from my 🗼 and bring me ↩️ to my 👪, and we’ll all live 😊happily😊 ever after. Mrs. Fiona Charming. Mrs. Fiona Charming. Mrs. Fiona Charming. A knock 🔛 🚪 KING Sorry. I 🙏 I’m not interrupting anything. SHREK No, 😣. I was just 📕reading📕 🅰️, uh… 🅰️ 👻 📙. KING I was hoping🙏 you’d let me apologize for my despicable behavior 🕔earlier🕔. SHREK Okay… KING I don’t know 😦 came over me. Do you suppose we could pretend 🇮🇹 never happened and 🆕 over… SHREK Look, Your Majesty, I just… KING Please. Call me Dad. SHREK Dad. We both acted🎭 💌 ogres👹. Maybe we just need some 🕦 to 🉐 to know each other. KING Excellent 💡! I was actually hoping🙏 you might 🈴 me for 🅰️ 🌄 hunt. A little 👨-son 🕧? I know 🇮🇹 would 😏 the 🌍 to Fiona. Shall we say, by the 👵 oak? SHREK Sure. Fade out 15 SCENE 3️⃣ IN THE FOREST SHREK Face 🇮🇹, Donkey! We’re lost. DONKEY We can’t be lost. We followed the King’s instructions exactly. “Head to the darkest🕶 〽️ of the woods…””Past the sinister trees🌲 with 👻-looking👀 branches🎋.” The bush 🔷shaped🔷 💛 Shirley Bassey! SHREK We passed🎫 that 3️⃣ times🕚🕚 already! DONKEY You were the 1️⃣ who said not to ⏚ for 👆directions👆. SHREK Oh, great. My 1️⃣ chance to 🔧 things 🆙 with Fiona’s 👪 and I 🔚 ☝️ lost in the woods with you! DONKEY Don’t 🉐 huffy! I’m only trying to 🆘. SHREK I know! I know. I’m 🙇, all ▶️? DONKEY Hey, don’t 😟worry😟 about 🇮🇹. SHREK I just really need to make things 💼 with this 👱. DONKEY Yeah, sure. Now let’s go bond with Daddy. SHREK hears👂 purring SHREK Well, well, well, Donkey. I know 🇮🇹 was kind of 🅰️ tender moment 🔙 there, but the purring? DONKEY What? I ain’t purring. SHREK Sure. What’s ➡️? A 🤗? DONKEY Hey, Shrek. Donkeys don’t purr. What do you 🤔think🤔 I am, some kind of 🅰️… PUSS IN BOOTS enters PUSS Ha-ha! Fear me, if you dare! SHREK Look! A little 😾. DONKEY Look out, Shrek! He got🉐 🅰️ piece! SHREK It’s 🅰️ 🐱, Donkey. Come 🈁, little kitty, kitty. Come 🔛, little kitty. Come 🈁. 16 PUSS scratches SHREK’s outstretched ☝️ PUSS Now, 🆗ye🆗 👹, 🙏 for mercy from…Puss… in Boots! SHREK I’ll kill🚬 that 🐱! PUSS Ah-ha-ha! [coughs, wheezes, retches, coughs, chuckles] Hairball. DONKEY Oh! That is nasty! SHREK What should we do with him? DONKEY Take the sword⚔ and neuter him. PUSS Oh, ❌! Por favor! Please! I implore you! It was nothing 💻, SeĂąor. I was doing 🇮🇹 only for my 👪. My 👪, she is 😷. And my 👪 lives 📴 the ♻️! The King offered me much in gold and I 🈶 🅰️ 🚯 of brothers… SHREK Whoa, whoa, whoa! Fiona’s 👪 paid you to do this? PUSS The rich King? SĂ­. SHREK Well, so🆘 much for Dad’s 👸 blessing. DONKEY Don’t feel 〽️. Almost everybody that meets you wants to 🚬kill🚬 you. SHREK Maybe Fiona would’ve been better✨ 📴 if I were some sort of Prince Charming. PUSS That’s 😦 the King said. Oh, uh… 🙇. I 💭 that ❓ was directed at me. DONKEY Shrek, Fiona knows you’d do anything for her. SHREK Well, it’s🇮🇹🇮🇹 not 💚 I wouldn’t change 🚼 if I could. I just… I just 🙏 I could make her 😅. Hold the 📶… “Happiness. Just 🅰️ 😹 ☔️ away.” Donkey! Think of the saddest thing that’s ever happened to you! DONKEY Aw, 👮, where do I begin? First there was the 🕙 that 👵 farmer 🚜 tried to sell me for some 🎱 beans. Then this fool 🈶had🈶 🅰️ 🍻 and he 🈶 the guests trying to 📍 the tail 🔛 me. Then they got🉐🉐 🍺 and 🆕 💓 me with 🅰️ stick, going “PiĂąata!!” What is 🅰️ piĂąata, anyway? 17 SHREK No, Donkey! I need you to 😭! DONKEY Don’t go projecting 🔛 me. I know you’re feeling 〽️, but you 🉐got 🉐 to [Puss 🚶 🔛 his foot] Aaaahhh! You little, hairy, 🚯-licking sack of… KYLE enters with 🅰️ cart KYLE Fairy Godmother is away from desk or with 🅰️ client. But I can 🆘 you with your ‘Happiness problems’ [yawns] FAIRY GODMOTHER enters and Kyle stands ☝️ straight very quickly FG Kyle, I’ve been looking👀 everywhere for you! Why aren’t you [notices SHREK] What in Grimm’s 📛 are you doing 📌? SHREK Well, um, 🇮🇹 seems that Fiona’s not exactly 😃. FG Oh-ho-ho! And there’s some ⁉️ as🅰️ to why that is? Well, let’s explore that, shall we? Cinderella.”Lived happily😆 ever after.” No ogres👹! Snow White. A handsome prince. Oh, 😣 👹ogres👹. Sleeping Beauty. No ogres👹! Hansel and Gretel? No! Thumbelina? No. the Little Mermaid, Pretty Woman…No, 👎, ❎! You 👀, 👹ogres 👹 don’t live happily😹😹 ever after. SHREK All ▶️, 👀, 👵! FG Don’t you 👈…those dirty 🍵 sausages at me! KYLE 😃opens😃 the cart to 🉐 🅰️ soda and SHREK notices the potions SHREK Ah… that’s 👌. We’ll go. Very 💔 to 🈶 wasted your 🕛, Miss Godmother. FG I need 🅰️ Monte Cristo Sandwich now. You’ve got 🉐 me all 💼worked 💼 ☝️. [exits] SHREK 👀looks 👀 at KYLE, smiles 😄, then knocks him out. DONKEY Shrek, are you 📴 your 🔩? SHREK Donkey, 🔕 and keep 👀. DONKEY Keep 👀? Yeah, I’ll keep 👀. I’ll 👀 that wicked witch come and whammy 🅰️ 🗺 of 🤕 ☝️ your backside. I’ll 😄, too. I’ll be giggling to myself. SHREK 😃opens😃 the cart and passes 💯 potions to PUSS 🔞 PUSS Toad Stool Softener? Elfa Seltzer? Hex Lax? SHREK Help me 🔎 “handsome.” PUSS Hey! How about “Happily Ever After”? SHREK Well, 😦 does 🇮🇹 do? PUSS It says “Beauty Divine.” SHREK That’ll 🈶 to do. She’s coming 🔙. Go, Donkey! ALL 🚪. FG enters, with CHARMING following after. FG What happened 🈁? Kyle! Clean this 🆙. CHARMING Mother! FG This isn’t 🅰️ ❇️ 🕑, 🎃. Mama’s working 🏢. CHARMING Whoa, 😦 happened 📌? FG The 👹, that’s 😦! CHARMING What? Where is he, Mom? I shall rend his 💆 from his shoulders! I will smite him where he stands! He will rue the very day he stole my kingdom from me! FG Oh, put 🇮🇹 away, Junior! You’re still going to be 👑. We’ll just 🈶 to come 🔝 with something smarter. KYLE Pardon. Um…Everything is accounted for, Fairy Godmother, except for 1️⃣ potion. FG What? [looks in the cart] Oh…I do believe we can make this 💼 to our advantage. SCENE 4️⃣ THE ROYAL CASTLE QUEEN Try to at least pretend you’re interested in your daughter’s 💍 ⛹. KING Honestly, Lillian, I don’t 💭think 💭 🇮🇹 matters. How do we know there will even🌑 be 🅰️ 🎳? FIONA Mom. Dad. KING Oh, 👋, dear. What’s that, Cedric? Right! Coming. FIONA Mom, 🈶 you seen Shrek? 19 QUEEN I haven’t. You should 🙏 your 👨. Be sure and use small 🆚, dear. He’s 🅰️ little 🐌 this 🌄. CEDRIC Can I 🆘 you, Your Majesty? KING Ah, 🆗! Um…Mmm! Exquisite. What do you 📲 this 📡? CEDRIC That would be the 🐾dog’s🐾 🍞, Your Majesty. KING Ah, 👍. Very 🌟, then. Carry 🔛, Cedric. FIONA Dad? Dad, 🈶 you seen Shrek? KING No, I haven’t, dear. I’m sure he just went 📴 to 👀 for 🅰️ nice… mud 🕳 to ✨ ⤵️ in. You know, after your little spat last 🌑. FIONA Oh. You 🇭🇲 that, 😨? KING The whole kingdom 🇭🇲 you. I 😏, after all, 🇮🇹 is in his 🍀 to be…well, 🅰️ bit of 🅰️ brute. FIONA Him? You know, you didn’t exactly 🙄roll 🙄 out the Welcome Wagon. KING Well, 😦 did you expect? Look at 😦 he’s 🔨 to you. FIONA Shrek loves💗💗 me for who I am. I would 🤔think🤔 you’d be 😅 for me. KING Darling, I’m just 💭 about what’s😦 best ✨ for you. Maybe you should do the same. SCENE 5️⃣ FOREST SHREK [reading the potion] “Happily Ever After Potion. Maximum strength. For you and your true 💚. If 1️⃣ of you drinks 🍷 this, you both will be fine. Happiness, comfort and 💅 divine.” You both will be fine? I guess 🇮🇹 means😏😏 it’ll affect Fiona, too. DONKEY Hey, 👮, this don’t feel ▶️. My donkey senses are tingling all over. Drop that 🏺 o’🅾️ voodoo and let’s 🉐 out of 🈁. SHREK It says, “Beauty Divine.” How 📉 can 🇮🇹 be? [sniffs the potion and sneezes] DONKEY See, you’re allergic to that stuff. You’ll 🈶 🅰️ reaction. And if you think💭 that I’ll be smearing Vapor Rub over your chest, think🤔 again! SHREK Well, here’s🈁 to 🇺🇸, Fiona. DONKEY Shrek? You 🍶 that, there’s 👎 going ⬅️. 20 SHREK I know. DONKEY No ➕ wallowing in the mud? SHREK I know. DONKEY No ➕ itchy butt crack? SHREK I know! DONKEY But you 💒 being😑😑 an 👹! SHREK I know! But I 💋 Fiona ➕. DONKEY Shrek, 😣! Wait! SHREK drinks🔞 the potion. There’s 🅰️ long ⏯ then…he farts💨💨 DONKEY I think💭 you grabbed the “Farty Ever After” potion. PUSS Maybe it’s🇮🇹 🅰️ dud. SHREK Or maybe Fiona and I were never meant😏 to be. [Thunder cracks and he passes💯💯 out] DONKEY Shrek! Black out. Fade in CASTLE INTERIOR. FIONA enters with her luggage. KING There you are! We missed you at dinner. What is 🇮🇹, darling? FIONA Dad…I’ve been 🤔 about 😦 you said. And I’m going to 📐 things ▶️. KING Ah! Excellent! That’s my 👸. FIONA It was 🅰️ mistake to bring Shrek 📍. I’m going to go out and 🔍 him. And then we’ll go ↩️ to the swamp where we belong. QUEEN Fiona, 🙏! Let’s not be rash, darling. You can’t go anywhere ▶️ now. Thunder cracks again and FIONA collapses KING Fiona! 21 ACT 3️⃣ SCENE 1️⃣ IN THE BARN – MORNING SISTER Good 🌅, sleepyhead. I ❤️ your kitty! SHREK Oh… My 🗣… SISTER Here, I fetched 🅰️ pail of 🚱. SHREK Thanks. Uhh! [sees his reflection in the pale] Aahh! A cute 🔘 🐘? Thick, 〰️ locks🔑? Taut, 🔃 buttocks? I’m… I’m… SISTER Gorgeous! [moves in closer] I’m Jill. What’s your 📛? SHREK Um… Shrek. SISTER Shrek? Wow. Are you from Europe? SHREK 👀looks👀 around 😕 SISTER You’re tense. I want to rub your shoulders. SHREK Have you seen my donkey? DONKEY enters and begins 🔬studying🔬 SHREK, followed by PUSS DONKEY Wow! That’s some quality potion, Shrek! What’s in that stuff? PUSS “Warning: Side effects may include burning, itching, oozing, weeping 😂. Not intended for 💞 patients or those with… 😥 disorders.” SHREK What? PUSS SeĂąor? “To make the effects of this potion permanent, the drinker🍸 must 🉐 his true 💙love’s💙 😙 by 🕛.” SHREK Midnight? DONKEY Why is 🇮🇹 always 🕛? SISTER Pick me! I’ll be your true 👫! SHREK Look, 👵, I already 🈶 🅰️ true 👭. SISTER Oh… 22 PUSS Take 🇮🇹 from me, Boss. You are going to 🈶 1️⃣ 😆 Princess. DONKEY And let’s 😞 🇮🇹. Even though you are 🅰️ lot easier 🔛 the 🙄, 💠 you’re the same 👴 😏, salty… SHREK (simultaneously) Easy. DONKEY …cantankerous, foul, 👊 👹 you always been. SHREK And you’re still the same annoying😠 donkey. DONKEY [Bashful] Yeah. SHREK Well…Look out, Princess. Here comes the 🆕 me. DONKEY First things first. We need to 🉐 you out of those 👗. SISTER gasps SCENE 🕑 THE CASTLE GATES GUARD Halt! SHREK Tell Princess Fiona her husband, Sir Shrek, is 📌 to 🙈 her. FIONA ⏰wakes⏰ ☝️ 🅰️as🅰️🅰️ 🅰️ 👫 and 👀looks👀 at herself in the mirror. She 😱screams 😱 SHREK Fiona! FIONA Shrek? SHREK runs💨 into FIONA’s room as🅰️ FIONA runs 🏃 🔻 to the 🏰 gates. FG enters the room just before SHREK, she is cloaked. SHREK Fiona? FG Hello, handsome. FIONA Shrek! DONKEY Princess! FIONA Donkey? 23 DONKEY Wow! That potion 🏢worked🏢🏢 🔛 you, too? FIONA What potion? DONKEY Shrek took some ♥️ potion. And well…Now, he’s sexy! FIONA [looking at PUSS] Shrek? PUSS For you, 🚼… I could be. DONKEY Yeah, you 🙏. FIONA Donkey, where is Shrek? DONKEY He went 💠 looking👀 for you. DONKEY and PUSS 🚪. FIONA Shrek? SHREK Fiona! Fiona! FG [blocks his 🚪 with her wand] Are you going so🆘 🔜? Don’t you want to 🙈 your wife? CHARMING enters CHARMING Fiona? FIONA Shrek? CHARMING Aye, Fiona. It is me. What happened to your voice? SHREK The potion changed🚼 🅰️ lot of things, Fiona. But not the ↕️ I feel about you. KING and QUEEN enter QUEEN Fiona? KING Charming? CHARMING [showing 📴 outfit] Do you think 💭💭 so🆘? [laughs] Dad. I was so🆘 🙏hoping🙏 you’d approve. QUEEN Um… Who are you? KING Mom, it’s🇮🇹 me, Shrek. I know you never 🉐 🅰️ second chance at 🅰️ first impression, but, well, 😦 do you think💭💭? [Hugs FIONA] SHREK Fiona! Fiona! 24 FG Fiona, Fiona! Ho-ho-ho! Oh, 💫! I don’t think 🤔 they can 👂 🇻🇮, pigeon.[sighs deeply] Don’t you think 💭💭 you’ve already messed her life ☝️ enough? SHREK I just wanted her to be 😄. FG And now she can be. Oh, sweetheart. She’s finally found🔎🔎 the prince of her dreams. SHREK But 👀 at me. Look 😦 I’ve 🔨 for her. FG It’s 🕘 you 🚏 living in 🅰️ fairy tale, Shrek. She’s 🅰️ 👸, and you’re an 👹. That’s something 👎 amount of potion will ever change🚼. SHREK But…I 💖 her. FG If you really 👫 her… you’ll let her go. SHREK 🍂 SCENE 🖱 THE UGLY STEPSISTER’S TAVERN SISTER Here you go, boys🙇. PUSS Just leave ◀️ the 🍼, Doris. SISTER Hey. Why the long 😱? SHREK It was all just 🅰️ stupid mistake. I never should 🈶 rescued her from that 🗼 in the first 🏆. PUSS I 😡 Mondays. DONKEY I can’t believe you’d 🚶 away from the best📈 thing that happened to you. SHREK What choice do I 🈶? She loves💘 that pretty 👶, Prince Charming. DONKEY Come 🔛. Is he really that 👌-looking👀? SISTER Are you kidding? He’s gorgeous! He has🈶 🅰️ 😕 that looks👀 😗 🇮🇹 was carved by 😇angels😇. PUSS Oh. He sounds🔈🔈 dreamy. 25 SHREK You know…shockingly, this isn’t making me feel any better 🌟🌟. Look, guys👱👱. It’s for the ✨best ✨. Mom and Dad approve, and Fiona gets🉐🉐 the 👴 she’s always dreamed of. Everybody 😤wins😤. DONKEY Except for you. I don’t 🉐 🇮🇹, Shrek. You 💙 Fiona. SHREK Aye. And that’s why I 🈶 to let her go. KING enters in 🅰️ cloak, at the ↩️ of the tavern. KING Excuse me, is she 📍? GUARD She’s, uh… in the ⬅️. KING Oh, 👋 again. Fairy Godmother. Charming. FG You’d better 🌟 🈶 🅰️ 👌 reason for dragging 🇻🇮 ⤵️ 📌, Harold. KING Well, I’m afraid Fiona isn’t really… warming♨️ 🔺 to Prince Charming. CHARMING FYI, not my fault. FG No, of course 🇮🇹it’s🇮🇹 not, dear. CHARMING I 😏, how charming can I be when I 🈶 to pretend I’m that dreadful 👹? KING No, 😣, it’s🇮🇹 nobody’s fault. Perhaps 🇮🇹it’s🇮🇹 best 📈 if we just 📲 the whole thing 📴, 👌? FG and CHARMING What? KING You can’t force someone to 🌻 in 💏! FG I beg to differ. I do 🇮🇹 all the 🕠! [pulls out 🅰️ magical potion from her bag] Have Fiona 🍻 this and 🐚she’ll🐚 🌻 in 💛 with the first 👱 she 💋kisses 💋💋, which will be Charming. KING Umm… 👎. FG What did you say? KING I can’t. I won’t do 🇮🇹. FG Oh, 🆗, you will. If you remember, I 🆘helped🆘 you with your happily 🌈 ever after. And I can take 🇮🇹 away just as🅰️ easily. Is that 😦 you want? Is 🇮🇹? 26 KING No. FG Good 👲. Now, we 🈶 to go. I need to do Charming’s 💈 before the 🏐. He’s hopeless. He’s all 🔊 in the front. He can never 🉐 to the ↩️. You need someone to do the ⬅️. CHARMING Oh. Thank you, Mother. DONKEY Mother? FG The 👹! Stop them! Stop them! The guards💂 grab SHREK, DONKEY and PUSS and all 🚪 SCENE 🍀 IN THE CASTLE The KING enters with 🅰️ 👫 of 🍵 cups🍶. He pours the poison☠ into 1️⃣ of them, just before FIONA enters. KING Darling? Ah. I 💭 I might 🔍 you 📌. How about 🅰️ nice 🐪 🍶 of ☕️ before the 🎳? FIONA I’m not going. KING The whole Kingdom’s turned out to celebrate your 💍. FIONA There’s just 1️⃣ ⚠️. That’s not my husband. I 😏, 👀 at him. KING Yes, he is 🅰️ bit different, but 👪 change🚼🚼 for the ones1️⃣ they 💟. You’d be 🙀 how much I changed🚼🚼 for your 👪. FIONA Change? He’s completely lost his mind! KING Why not come 🔻 to the ⚽️ and give him another chance? You might 🔍 you 👭 this 🆕 Shrek. FIONA But it’s 🇮🇹 the 👵 1️⃣ I fell🎃 in 😻 with, Dad. I’d give anything to 🈶 him 🔙. [reached for 1️⃣ of the 🍵 cups] KING Darling. That’s mine⛏. Decaf. Otherwise I’m 🔝 all 🌓. FIONA [drinking from the other cup] Thanks. 27 SCENE 5️⃣ THE DUNGEON DONKEY I 🉐got 🉐 to 🉐 out of 📍! I 🉐got 🉐🉐 to 🉐 out of 🈁! You can’t 🔒 🇺🇸 🔺 💖 this! Let me go! What about my Miranda rights ▶️▶️? You’re supposed to say I 🈶 the ▶️ to remain 😶. Nobody said I 🈶 the ▶️ to remain 🔕! SHREK You HAVE the ▶️ to remain 🔕. What you lack is the capacity. PUSS I must 👫 🔛 before I, too, go totally 😠. PINOCHIO Shrek? Donkey? PUSS Too 🕣. SHREK Gingy! Pinocchio! Get 🇺🇲 out of 📍! GINGY Quick! Tell 🅰️ lie! PINOCHIO What should I say? SHREK Anything, but quick! GINGY Say something crazy 💗, “I’m wearing ladies’👵 underwear!” PINOCHIO I am wearing ladies’ 👩 underwear. SHREK Are you? PINOCHIO I most certainly am not! [his 👃 grows] DONKEY It 👀looks👀 💚 you most certainly am are! PINOCHIO I am not! PUSS What kind? GINGY [looking in the ↩️ of PINOCHIO’s lederhosen] It’s 🅰️ thong! PINOCHIO Oww! They’re briefs! GINGY Are not. PINOCHIO Are too! GINGY Here we go. Hang tight. [picks the 🔒 with PINOCHIO’s nose] SHREK Okay 🙇boys🙇🙇! We’ve got🉐 to ⏚ that 👄! 28 DONKEY I 💭 you was going to let her go. SHREK I was, but I can’t let them do this to Fiona. DONKEY Boom! That’s 😦 I 💒 to 👂. Look who’s coming around! PINOCHIO It’s impossible! You’ll never 🉐 in. The 🏯castle’s🏯 guarded💂. There’s 🅰️ moat and everything! [nose shrinks 🔙 down] GINGY Folks, 🇮🇹 👀looks👀👀 💗 we’re ☝️ 🍪 creek without 🅰️ Popsicle stick. SHREK Don’t worry😟 guys💂, I 🈶 🅰️ plan. To the 🏰! SCENE 🕡 THE ROYAL BALL ROYAL MESSENGER Ladies and gentlemen🎩🎩. Presenting Princess Fiona and her 🆕 husband, Prince Shrek. AUDIENCE 👏applauses👏, 📣. CHARMING begins 🏴 and encouraging the audience FIONA Shrek, 😦 are you doing? CHARMING I’m just 🃏 the 〽️, Fiona. FIONA Is that glitter 🔛 your 💋? CHARMING Mm. Cherry flavored. Want to 😝? FIONA Ugh! What is with you? CHARMING But, Muffin Cake… FIONA 🉐gets🉐🉐 fed ☝️ and turns to leave🍂, CHARMING looks👀 at FG for 🆘. FG [Sotto Voce] Play something! Now! [turns to the AUDIENCE] Ladies and gentlemen🎩. I’d 💚 to dedicate this song to… Princess Fiona and Prince Shrek. CHARMING Fiona, my Princess. Will you honor me with 🅰️ dance? AUDIENCE Dance! Dance! FIONA Since when do you dance? 29 CHARMING Fiona, my dearest, if there’s 1️⃣ thing I know, it’s🇮🇹 that 😘 is 🈵 of 😲surprises😲. OUTSIDE THE BALL All ▶️, fellas! Let’s crash this 🎈! GUARD Halt ▶️ there! GINGY Make me! GUARD grabs GINGY by the collar GINGY Not the gumdrop 🔵! DONKEY and PUSS grab the GUARD DONKEY Go! Go! Your 👵 needs you! Go! SHREK exits🚪🚪 PUSS Today, I repay my debt. GUARD yells and is chased offstage by PUSS. DONKEY, PINOCHIO and GINGY FOLLOW SHREK Stop! Hey, you! Back away from my wife. FIONA Shrek? FG You couldn’t just go ↩️ to your swamp and 🍃leave🍃 well enough alone. SHREK Pinocchio! Get the wand! PINOCHIO runs💨💨 for the wand but gets🉐🉐 zapped along the ↕️. His ‘PINOCHIO’ 👃 is gone. PINOCHIO I’m 🅰️ real 🙇! The WOLF barges in and 🌬blows 🌬 the wand out of FG’s 👎, GINGY picks ⚒ 🇮🇹 🔝 and accidentally zaps PINOCHIO, his wooden 👃 appears again. PINOCHIO I’m 🅰️ real 🙇. Aah! Oh. FG That’s mine⛏! PUSS and DONKEY enter DONKEY Pray for mercy, from Puss… PUSS and Donkey! FG She’s taken the potion! Kiss her now! CHARMING 😙kisses😙 FIONA 30 SHREK No! CHARMING and FIONA 👀 at eachother longingly, SHREK is heartbroken. FIONA (headbutting CHARMING) Hya! ALL gasp SHREK Fiona. FIONA Shrek. SHREK and FIONA embrace FG Harold! You were supposed to give her the potion! KING Well, I guess I gave her the wrong ☕️. CHARMING [snatching the wand and tossing 🇮🇹 ⬅️ to FG] Mommy! FIONA Mommy? FG I told you. Ogres don’t live happily😂 ever after. FG tries to zap SHREK but KING grabs the wand. They both disappear. FIONA Oh, Dad![sobbing] PINOCHIO Is he…? GINGY Yup. He 🐸croaked🐸. Croak 🎵 can be 🇭🇲. FIONA ⛏picks⛏ 🔺 🅰️ 🐸 QUEEN Harold? FIONA Dad? KING I’d 🙏hoped🙏 you’d never 🙈 me 🏩 this. DONKEY And he gave you 🅰️ hard 🕞! SHREK Donkey! KING No, ❌, he’s ▶️. I’m 🙇. To both of you. I only wanted 😦 was best🆗🆗 for Fiona. But I can 👀 now… she already 🈶has🈶 🇮🇹. Shrek, Fiona… Will you 🉑 an 👴 frog’s🐸 apologies🙇… and my blessing? QUEEN Harold? KING I’m 💔, Lillian. I just 🙏 I could be the 👴 you deserve. 31 QUEEN You’re ➕ that 👱 today than you ever were… warts and all. Clock 🔔chimes🔔 PUSS Boss! The Happily Ever After Potion! SHREK Midnight! Fiona. Is this 😦 you want? To be this ↕️ forever? FIONA What? SHREK Because if you 😙 me now… we can stay 💒 this. FIONA You’d do that? For me? SHREK Yes. FIONA I want 😦 any 👸 wants. To live happily😃 ever after, [SHREK leans in to 😽 her but she stops🚏 him] with the 👹 I married. PUSS Whatever happens, I must not 😢! You cannot make me 😭! [sobs] Clock chimes🎐🎐. Flashing 🔆lights🔆, 🅰️as🅰️ the crowd gathers 🔃 and reveals the 👹 SHREK and FIONA SHREK Now, where were we? Oh. I remember. Fade out. Spotlight 🔛 DONKEY. DONKEY Hey! Isn’t we supposed to be having🈶 🅰️ fiesta? FANFARE


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