By Liam Menzies (@blinkclyro)
Shrek ð ACT ð Scene 1ïžâ£ There is ð °ïž ð onstage behind ð °ïž silky curtain, backlit. PRINCE CHARMING (os) Once upon ð °ïž ð in ð °ïž kingdom far, far away, the ð and ðž were blessed with ð °ïž beautiful ðŒ ð. And throughout the land, everyone was ð… until the ð went ð» and they ðsawð that their daughter was cursed with ð °ïž frightful enchantment that took ð« each and every ð. Desperate, they sought the ð of ð °ïž fairy godmother who hadð¶ them ð the ð± ðž away in ð °ïž ðŒ, there to await the ð… of the handsome Prince Charming. [enters gallantly onstage] It was he who would chance the perilous journey through blistering ðš and scorching ðª travelingð for many days and nightsð, risking life and limbð to reach the Dragon’s keep. For he was the bravest, and most handsome… in all the land. [looks at the audience] And ð®ð¹ was destiny that his ðœ would ð the dreaded curse. He alone would climb to the highestð room of the tallest ðŒ to enter the princess’s ðž chambers, ð the room to her ðŽ ð¥, pull â¬ ïž the gossamer curtains to ð her… [pulls â©ïž the curtain to reveal WOLF in the ð. Gasps] WOLF What? CHARMING Princess… Fiona? WOLF No! CHARMING [relieved] Thank heavensðŒ. Where is she? WOLF She’s ð her honeymoon. CHARMING Honeymoon? With whom? ð Scene 2ïžâ£ THE SWAMP SHREK It’s soð ð to be ð ! Just you and me and… DONKEY [offstage] One is the loneliest number9ïžâ£ that you ever do…[enters] Two can be ð °ïžasð °ïž ð as ð °ïž 1ïžâ£… SHREK Donkey? DONKEY Shrek! Fiona! Aren’t you âïž ð °ïž ðŠ for sore ð! Give ðºð² ð °ïž ð€, Shrek, you ð ð machine. And ð at you, Mrs. Shrek. How ’bout ð °ïž side of sugar for the steed? SHREK Donkey, ðŠ are you doing ð? DONKEY Taking ð of your ð nest for you. SHREK Oh, you ð ð… sorting the ðŠ and watering ð° the plants ðŽ? DONKEY Yeah, and feeding the ð! SHREK I don’t ð¶ any ð¬. DONKEY You did. [looks around for the fish] SHREK Look at the ð. I guess you’d betterâïž be going. DONKEY Don’t you want to tell me about your trip? Or how about ð °ïž ð° of Parcheesi? FIONA Actually, Donkey? Shouldn’t you be gettingð ð to Dragon? DONKEY Oh, yeah, that. I don’t know. She’s been all moody and stuff lately. I ð I’d move in with you. FIONA You know we’re always ð to ð you, Donkey. SHREK But Fiona and I are married now. We need ð °ïž little ð, you know, to be together. Just with each other. Alone. DONKEY Say ð â. You don’t ð¶ to worryð about ð °ïž thing. I will always be ð to make sure nobody bothers you. SHREK Donkey! ð DONKEY Yes, roomie? SHREK You’re bothering me. DONKEY Oh, OK. All â¶ïž, âš. I guess… Me and Pinocchio was going to catch ð °ïž tournament, anyway, soðð…Maybe I’ll ð y’all Sunday for ð °ïž ð¡ or something. SHREK He’ll be fine. Now, where were we? [giggles] Oh.I thinkð I remember. Donkey! DONKEY I know, I know! Alone! I’m going! I’m going. What do you want me to tell these other guysðš? ROYAL MESSENGER enters to fanfare. MESSENGER [clears throat] “Dearest Princess Fiona. You are hereby summoned to the Kingdom of Far, Far Away for ð °ïž ð ð in ð of your ð at which ð the King will bestow his ðž blessing… upon you and your…uh… Prince Charming. Love, the King and Queen of Far, Far Away. aka Mom and Dad.” FIONA Mom and Dad? SHREK Prince Charming? DONKEY Royal âŸïž? Can I come? SHREK We’re not going. FIONA & DONKEY What? SHREK I ð, don’t you ð€thinkð€ they might be ð °ïž bit…ð² to ð you ð this? FIONA Well, they might be ð °ïž bit ð. But they’re my ðª, Shrek. They ð me. And don’t worryð. They’ll ð¬ you, too. SHREK Yeah, â¶ïž. Somehow I don’t thinkð€ I’ll be welcome at the ð¯ðµ â£ïž. FIONA Stop ð®ð¹. They’re not ð that. SHREK How do you explain Sergeant Pompous and the Fancy Pants Club Band? FIONA Oh, come ð! You could at least give them ð °ïž chance. SHREK To do ðŠ? Sharpen their pitchforks? ð FIONA No! They just want to give you their blessing. SHREK Oh, great. Now I need their blessing? FIONA If you want to be ð °ïž ãœïž of this ðª, ð! SHREK Who says I want to be ãœïž of this ðª? FIONA You did! When you married me! SHREK Well, there’s some fine ð£ for you! FIONA [exasperated sigh] So that’s ð®ð¹. You won’t come? SHREK Trust me. It’s ð °ïž ð ð¡. We are not going! And that’s final! ALL ðª. SCENE 3ïžâ£ SHREK, DONKEY and FIONA re-enter with GINGY and PINOCHIO. SHREK is carrying luggage GINGY [walking by and âpickingâ ð the âwarning, Ogres signâ] Don’t ðworryð! We’ll take ð of everything. PINOCHIO Hey, ð for me. DONKEY Hit ð®ð¹! Move ’em ð! Head ’em ðº! Head ’em âïž, move ’em ð! Head ’em ð! Move âem ð, Rawhide! Knock ’em out! Pound ’em ð! Make ’em âïž! Buy ’em drinksð»ð»! Meet their mamas! Milk ’em hard! Rawhide! Yeehaw! SHREK, FIONA and DONKEY ð« â©ïž and forth ð the stage every ð the E/E (Enter/exit #ïžâ£ appears) DONKEY Are we there yet? SHREK No. DONKEY Are we there yet? FIONA Not yet. E/E 5ïžâ£ DONKEY OK, are we there yet? SHREK No. DONKEY Are we there yet? FIONA No! E/E DONKEY Are we there yet? SHREK Yes. DONKEY Really? SHREK No! DONKEY Are we there yet? SHREK & FIONA No! E/E DONKEY Are we there yet? SHREK [mimics] Are we there yet? DONKEY That’s not ð. That’s really immature. SHREK That’s not ð. That’s really immature. DONKEY This is why nobody likesð ð¹ogresð¹. SHREK This is why nobody likesðð ð¹ogresð¹. DONKEY Your loss! SHREK Your loss! DONKEY I’m gonna just â ðš. SHREK Finally! DONKEY This is taking forever, Shrek. There’s ð in-ðº ðŠ or nothing! SHREK The Kingdom of Far, Far Away, Donkey. That’s where we’re going. Far, far…[softly] away! DONKEY All â¶ïž, all â¶ïž, I ð ð®ð¹. I’m just soð darn ð. SHREK [groans] Are we there yet? FIONA [chuckles] Yes! DONKEY Oh, finally! ALL ðª 6ïžâ£ SCENE ð FAR FAR AWAY (CASTLE ENTRANCE) MESSENGER Announcing the long-awaited â©ïž of the beautiful Princess Fiona and her ð husband. SHREK and FIONA enter ðŽ-stage âïž. KING and QUEEN enter ðŽ-stage â¶ïž. FIONA Well, this is ð®ð¹. KING This is ð®ð¹. MESSENGER This is ð®ð¹. [exits] SHREK [chuckles] So…you still ðthinkð this was ð °ïž ð ð¡? FIONA Of course! Look. Mom and Dad ð ð to ð ð»ð®. KING Who ð ð are they? QUEEN I ðthink ð that’s our little ð. KING That’s not little! That’s ð °ïž really big â ïž. Wasn’t she supposed to ð Prince Charming and ð the spell? QUEEN Well, he’s â Prince Charming, but they do ð… SHREK Happy now? We came. We ðsaw ð them. Now let’s go before they ð¡ the ðŠtorchesðŠ. FIONA They’re my ðª. SHREK Hello? They ðlockedðð you in ð °ïž ðŒ. FIONA That was for my own… KING Good! Here’s our chance. Let’s go ð ð and pretend we’re not ðª. QUEEN Harold, we ð¶ to be… SHREK Quick! While they’re not lookingð we can make ð °ïž runð for ð®ð¹. FIONA Shrek, â¹ ð®ð¹! Everything’s gonna be… KING A ð! There is â âïž… FIONA You can do this. Both partiesð» begin ðŠ toward eachother ð SHREK I really… KING Really… QUEEN don’t… SHREK want… FIONA to… KING be… SHREK Here! FIONA Mom… Dad…I’d ð you to meet my husband… Shrek. SHREK Well, um…It’s easy to ð where Fiona ðgetsð her ð looksð from. [chuckles nervously] DONKEY enters shaking ðŽ ð °ïž GUARD DONKEY [off-stage] What do you ð, “not ð the list”? Don’t tell me you don’t know who I am. [enters] What’s happening, everybody? Thanks for ðwaitingð. I hadð¶ the hardest ð getting ðð into this ð. KING No! No! Bad donkey! Bad! Go! FIONA No, Dad! It’s all â¶ïž. It’s all â¶ïž. He’s with ðºð². He ðhelpedð rescue me from the ð. DONKEY That’s me: the noble steed. SHREK Oh, ðŠ. QUEEN So, Fiona, tell ðºðž about where you live. FIONA Well…Shrek owns his own land. Don’t you, ð¯? SHREK Oh, ð! It’s in an enchanted forest abundant in ð°squirrelsð° and cute little duckies and… DONKEY [laughing] What? I know you ain’t ðš about the swamp. KING An ð¹ from ð °ïž swamp. Oh! How original. QUEEN I suppose that would be ð °ïž fine ð to raise the ðŒchildrenðŒ. SHREK and KING cough involuntarily 8ïžâ£ SHREK It’s ð °ïž bit ð to be ð about that, isn’t ð®ð¹? KING Indeed. QUEEN Harold! SHREK What’s that supposed to ð? FIONA Dad. It’s great, OK? KING For his type, ð. SHREK My type? KING I suppose any grandchildren I could expect from you would be… SHREK Ogres, ð! QUEEN Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Right, Harold? KING Oh, â! No! Of course, not! That is, assuming you don’t eat your own ð±! FIONA Dad! SHREK No, we usually prefer the 1ïžâ£ones1ïžâ£ who’ve been lockedð away in ð °ïž ðŒ! FIONA Shrek, ð! KING I only did that because I ð her. SHREK Aye, day ð or ð²-ðguardedð ð¯. KING You wouldn’t understand. You’re not her ðª! QUEEN Harold! FIONA Shrek! SHREK Fiona! KING Fiona! FIONA Mom! QUEEN Harold… DONKEY Donkey! FIONA exitsðª cryingð 9ïžâ£ SCENE ð STREETS OF FAR FAR AWAY FIONA enters, she hearsð the voice of FAIRY GODMOTHER FAIRY GODMOTHER (FG) Your fallen ð ð¶ ð²calledð² to me So, ð comes my ð© remedy I know ðŠ every ðž needs For her to live life happilyð… Both gasp FG Oh, my dear. Oh, ð at you. You’re all grown ð. FIONA Who are you? FG Oh, ð¯ pea! I’m your fairy godmother. FIONA I ð¶ ð °ïž fairy godmother? FG Shush, shush. Now, don’t ðworryð. I’m ð to make ð®ð¹ all betterð. With just ð °ïž ð of my ð° wand, your troubles will ð be gone. For example, how about ð °ïž sporty ð to ride in ð, with ð °ïž sexy ðŽ-ðŠ chauffeur named ð Kyle? KYLE enters FIONA Thank you very much, Fairy Godmother, but… SHREK enters SHREK Fiona? Fiona. FIONA Oh, uh…Fairy Godmother… I’d â€ïž you to meet my husband, Shrek. FG Your husband? What? What did you say? When did this happen? FIONA Shrek is the 1ïžâ£ who rescued me. FG But that can’t be â¶ïž. SHREK Oh, great, â relatives! FIONA She’s just trying to ð. SHREK Good! She can ð ðºðž pack. Get your coat, dear. We’re âïžleavingâïž. FIONA What? I don’t want to leave ð. When did you decide this? ð¥ SHREK Shortly after ð¬. FIONA Look, I’m ð… FG No, that’s all â¶ïž. I need to go, anyway. But remember, dear. If you should ever need me… ð…is just ð °ïž teardrop away. SHREK Thanks, but we’ve gotð all the ð we need. Happy, ð, ð… FG So I ð. Let’s go, Kyle. FIONA Very nice, Shrek. SHREK What? I told you coming ð was ð °ïž ãœïž ð¡. FIONA You could’ve at least tried to ð along with my ðš. SHREK I don’t thinkð I was going to ð Daddy’s blessing, evenð if I did want ð®ð¹. FIONA Do you ðthinkð ð®ð¹ might be nice if somebody askedðð me ðŠ I wanted? SHREK Sure. Do you want me to pack for you? FIONA You’re unbelievable! You’re behaving â€ïž ð °ïž… SHREK Go ð! Say ð®ð¹! FIONA Like an ð¹! SHREK Here’s ð °ïž ð ðž for you! Whether your ðª ð ð®ð¹ or not…I am an ð¹! And guess ðŠ, Princess? That’s not about to changeðŒ. FIONA I’ve made changesðŒ for you, Shrek. Think about that. [exits] DONKEY That’s real smooth, Shrek. “I’m an ð¹!” SCENE 6ïžâ£ KING AND QUEENâS BEDCHAMBER KING I knew this would happen. QUEEN You should. You startedðð ð®ð¹. ðŠ KING I can hardly believe that, Lillian. He’s the ð¹. Not me. QUEEN I think ð, Harold, you’re taking this ð °ïž little too personally ð». QUEEN This is Fiona’s choice. KING But she was supposed to choose the prince we pickedââ for her. I ð, you expect me to give my blessings to this… thing? QUEEN Fiona does. And she’llð never forgive you if you don’t. I don’t want to lose our daughter again, Harold. Oh, you ðactð asð °ïž if ð is totally predictable. Don’t you remember when we were ð±? We used to ð¶ ⬠by the lily pond and… KING they were in bloom… QUEEN Our first ð. KING It’s not the same! I don’t thinkðð you realize that our daughter ð¶hasð¶ married ð °ïž ðº! QUEEN Oh, ð beingðð such ð °ïž ð ð. KING Fine! Pretend there’s nothing wrong! La, di, da, di, da! Isn’t ð®ð¹ all wonderful! I’d ð to know how ð®ð¹ could ð any worse ð! FG [out ð the balcony] Hello, Harold. KING gasps QUEEN What happened? KING Nothing, dear! Just the ð crusade wound ð ð ð °ïž bit! I’ll just stretch ð®ð¹ out ð for ð °ïž while. FG We need to ð¬. KING Actually, Fairy Godmother, ðŽ to ð.[yawns] Already taken my pillsðð, and they tend to make me ð °ïž bit drowsy. So, how about… we make this ð °ïž quick visit. What? [Bumps ðº against 2ïžâ£ armedðª guards] Oh, ð. Ha-ha-ha! So, what’sðŠ ð³ð¿? FG You remember my son, Prince Charming? CHARMING enters KING Is that you? My gosh! It’s been years. When did you ð â©ïž? ð CHARMING Oh, about 5ïžâ£ minutes ago, actually. After I endured blistering windsð¬, scorching ð«…I climbed to the highest ð room in the tallest ðŒ… FG Mommy can handle this.He endures blistering windsðð and scorching ð! He climbs to the highestð bloody room of the tallest bloody ðŒ…And ðŠ does he ð? Some ð»-â ðº telling him that his ðž is already married. KING It wasn’t my fault. He didn’t ð there in ð. FG Harold. [GUARD reaches into his pocket] Youâve forced me to do something I really don’t want to do. KING [gasps] What is that? What ð¶ you gotð there? GUARD pulls out ð °ïž cellphone and gives ð®ð¹ to FG FG My diet is ruined! Yes, Iâd ð âïž Renaissance Wraps, â mayo… chili ð… CHARMING I’ll ð¶ the Medieval Meal. FG One Medieval Meal and, Harold… Curly ð? KING No, thank you. FG Sourdough ðŠ ð®, then? KING No, really, I’m fine. FG Nothing else thanks.[hangs up] We made ð °ïž deal, Harold, and I assume you don’t want me to go â¬ ïž ð my ãœïž. KING [sighs deeply] Indeed not. FG So, Fiona and Charming will be together. KING Yes. FG Believe me, Harold. It’s what’sðŠðŠ ðbest ð. Not only for your daughter…but for your Kingdom. KING What am I supposed to do about ð®ð¹? FG Use your imagination. 13 ACT ð SCENE ð AT A PUB IN THE WOODS KING enters. A ð (UGLY STEPSISTER) is ð° ð °ïž ðž with her â¬ ïž to the audience. KING [clears throat] Excuse me. Uh… excuse me. I’m ðlooking ð for the Ugly Stepsister. UGLY STEPSISTER turns around to reveal herself KING Ah! There you are. Right. You ð, I need to ð¶ someone taken ð of. UGLY STEPSISTER Who’s the ð·? KING Well, he’s not ð °ïž ð·, per se. Um… He’s an ð¹. UGLY STEPSISTER Hey, buddy, let me ð you in. There’s only 1ïžâ£ fellow who can handle ð °ïž job ð that, and, frankly…he don’t ð to be disturbed. KING Where could I ð him? UGLY STEPSISTER ð to the ð¶ cornerðœðœ of the room KING Hello? MYSTERIOUS VOICE Who dares ð to me? KING Sorry! I ð I’m not interrupting, but I’m told you’re the 1ïžâ£ to ð¬ to about an ð¹ â ïž? VOICE You are told correct. But for this, I charge ð °ïž great deal of ð. KING Would… this be enough? [holds ð ð °ïž heavy ð of coins] VOICE You ð¶ engaged my valuable services, Your Majesty. Just tell me where I can ð this ð¹. 14 SCENE ð CASTLE SHREK is alone ðreadingð FIONAâs diary. FIONA (offstage) Dear Diary… Sleeping Beauty is havingð¶ ð °ïž slumber ð» tomorrow, but Dad says I can’t go. He never lets me out after ðŽ. Dad says I’m going away for ð °ïž while. Must be ð some finishing ð. Mom says that when I’m ðŽ enough, my Prince Charming will rescue me from my ðŒ and bring me â©ïž to my ðª, and we’ll all live ðhappilyð ever after. Mrs. Fiona Charming. Mrs. Fiona Charming. Mrs. Fiona Charming. A knock ð ðª KING Sorry. I ð I’m not interrupting anything. SHREK No, ð£. I was just ðreadingð ð °ïž, uh… ð °ïž ð» ð. KING I was hopingð you’d let me apologize for my despicable behavior ðearlierð. SHREK Okay… KING I don’t know ðŠ came over me. Do you suppose we could pretend ð®ð¹ never happened and ð over… SHREK Look, Your Majesty, I just… KING Please. Call me Dad. SHREK Dad. We both actedð ð ogresð¹. Maybe we just need some ðŠ to ð to know each other. KING Excellent ð¡! I was actually hopingð you might ðŽ me for ð °ïž ð hunt. A little ðš-son ð§? I know ð®ð¹ would ð the ð to Fiona. Shall we say, by the ðµ oak? SHREK Sure. Fade out 15 SCENE 3ïžâ£ IN THE FOREST SHREK Face ð®ð¹, Donkey! We’re lost. DONKEY We can’t be lost. We followed the King’s instructions exactly. “Head to the darkestð¶ ãœïž of the woods…””Past the sinister treesð² with ð»-lookingð branchesð.” The bush ð·shapedð· ð Shirley Bassey! SHREK We passedð« that 3ïžâ£ timesðð already! DONKEY You were the 1ïžâ£ who said not to â¹ for ðdirectionsð. SHREK Oh, great. My 1ïžâ£ chance to ð§ things ð with Fiona’s ðª and I ð âïž lost in the woods with you! DONKEY Don’t ð huffy! I’m only trying to ð. SHREK I know! I know. I’m ð, all â¶ïž? DONKEY Hey, don’t ðworryð about ð®ð¹. SHREK I just really need to make things ðŒ with this ð±. DONKEY Yeah, sure. Now let’s go bond with Daddy. SHREK hearsð purring SHREK Well, well, well, Donkey. I know ð®ð¹ was kind of ð °ïž tender moment ð there, but the purring? DONKEY What? I ain’t purring. SHREK Sure. What’s â¡ïž? A ð€? DONKEY Hey, Shrek. Donkeys don’t purr. What do you ð€thinkð€ I am, some kind of ð °ïž… PUSS IN BOOTS enters PUSS Ha-ha! Fear me, if you dare! SHREK Look! A little ðŸ. DONKEY Look out, Shrek! He gotð ð °ïž piece! SHREK It’s ð °ïž ð±, Donkey. Come ð, little kitty, kitty. Come ð, little kitty. Come ð. 16 PUSS scratches SHREKâs outstretched âïž PUSS Now, ðyeð ð¹, ð for mercy from…Puss… in Boots! SHREK I’ll killð¬ that ð±! PUSS Ah-ha-ha! [coughs, wheezes, retches, coughs, chuckles] Hairball. DONKEY Oh! That is nasty! SHREK What should we do with him? DONKEY Take the swordâ and neuter him. PUSS Oh, â! Por favor! Please! I implore you! It was nothing ð», Señor. I was doing ð®ð¹ only for my ðª. My ðª, she is ð·. And my ðª lives ðŽ the â»ïž! The King offered me much in gold and I ð¶ ð °ïž ð¯ of brothers… SHREK Whoa, whoa, whoa! Fiona’s ðª paid you to do this? PUSS The rich King? SÃ. SHREK Well, soð much for Dad’s ðž blessing. DONKEY Don’t feel ãœïž. Almost everybody that meets you wants to ð¬killð¬ you. SHREK Maybe Fiona would’ve been betterâš ðŽ if I were some sort of Prince Charming. PUSS That’s ðŠ the King said. Oh, uh… ð. I ð that â was directed at me. DONKEY Shrek, Fiona knows you’d do anything for her. SHREK Well, it’sð®ð¹ð®ð¹ not ð I wouldn’t change ðŒ if I could. I just… I just ð I could make her ð . Hold the ð¶… “Happiness. Just ð °ïž ð¹ âïž away.” Donkey! Think of the saddest thing that’s ever happened to you! DONKEY Aw, ð®, where do I begin? First there was the ð that ðµ farmer ð tried to sell me for some ð± beans. Then this fool ð¶hadð¶ ð °ïž ð» and he ð¶ the guests trying to ð the tail ð me. Then they gotðð ðº and ð ð me with ð °ïž stick, going “Piñata!!” What is ð °ïž piñata, anyway? 17 SHREK No, Donkey! I need you to ð! DONKEY Don’t go projecting ð me. I know you’re feeling ãœïž, but you ðgot ð to [Puss ð¶ ð his foot] Aaaahhh! You little, hairy, ð¯-licking sack of… KYLE enters with ð °ïž cart KYLE Fairy Godmother is away from desk or with ð °ïž client. But I can ð you with your âHappiness problemsâ [yawns] FAIRY GODMOTHER enters and Kyle stands âïž straight very quickly FG Kyle, Iâve been lookingð everywhere for you! Why arenât you [notices SHREK] What in Grimm’s ð are you doing ð? SHREK Well, um, ð®ð¹ seems that Fiona’s not exactly ð. FG Oh-ho-ho! And there’s some âïž asð °ïž to why that is? Well, let’s explore that, shall we? Cinderella.”Lived happilyð ever after.” No ogresð¹! Snow White. A handsome prince. Oh, ð£ ð¹ogresð¹. Sleeping Beauty. No ogresð¹! Hansel and Gretel? No! Thumbelina? No. the Little Mermaid, Pretty Woman…No, ð, â! You ð, ð¹ogres ð¹ don’t live happilyð¹ð¹ ever after. SHREK All â¶ïž, ð, ðµ! FG Don’t you ð…those dirty ðµ sausages at me! KYLE ðopensð the cart to ð ð °ïž soda and SHREK notices the potions SHREK Ah… that’s ð. Weâll go. Very ð to ð¶ wasted your ð, Miss Godmother. FG I need ð °ïž Monte Cristo Sandwich now. Youâve got ð me all ðŒworked ðŒ âïž. [exits] SHREK ðlooks ð at KYLE, smiles ð, then knocks him out. DONKEY Shrek, are you ðŽ your ð©? SHREK Donkey, ð and keep ð. DONKEY Keep ð? Yeah, I’ll keep ð. I’ll ð that wicked witch come and whammy ð °ïž ðº of ð€ âïž your backside. I’ll ð, too. I’ll be giggling to myself. SHREK ðopensð the cart and passes ð¯ potions to PUSS ð PUSS Toad Stool Softener? Elfa Seltzer? Hex Lax? SHREK Help me ð “handsome.” PUSS Hey! How about “Happily Ever After”? SHREK Well, ðŠ does ð®ð¹ do? PUSS It says “Beauty Divine.” SHREK That’ll ð¶ to do. Sheâs coming ð. Go, Donkey! ALL ðª. FG enters, with CHARMING following after. FG What happened ð? Kyle! Clean this ð. CHARMING Mother! FG This isn’t ð °ïž âïž ð, ð. Mama’s working ð¢. CHARMING Whoa, ðŠ happened ð? FG The ð¹, that’s ðŠ! CHARMING What? Where is he, Mom? I shall rend his ð from his shoulders! I will smite him where he stands! He will rue the very day he stole my kingdom from me! FG Oh, put ð®ð¹ away, Junior! You’re still going to be ð. We’ll just ð¶ to come ð with something smarter. KYLE Pardon. Um…Everything is accounted for, Fairy Godmother, except for 1ïžâ£ potion. FG What? [looks in the cart] Oh…I do believe we can make this ðŒ to our advantage. SCENE 4ïžâ£ THE ROYAL CASTLE QUEEN Try to at least pretend you’re interested in your daughter’s ð â¹. KING Honestly, Lillian, I don’t ðthink ð ð®ð¹ matters. How do we know there will evenð be ð °ïž ð³? FIONA Mom. Dad. KING Oh, ð, dear. What’s that, Cedric? Right! Coming. FIONA Mom, ð¶ you seen Shrek? 19 QUEEN I haven’t. You should ð your ðš. Be sure and use small ð, dear. He’s ð °ïž little ð this ð. CEDRIC Can I ð you, Your Majesty? KING Ah, ð! Um…Mmm! Exquisite. What do you ð² this ð¡? CEDRIC That would be the ðŸdog’sðŸ ð, Your Majesty. KING Ah, ð. Very ð, then. Carry ð, Cedric. FIONA Dad? Dad, ð¶ you seen Shrek? KING No, I haven’t, dear. I’m sure he just went ðŽ to ð for ð °ïž nice… mud ð³ to âš â€µïž in. You know, after your little spat last ð. FIONA Oh. You ðð² that, ðš? KING The whole kingdom ðð² you. I ð, after all, ð®ð¹ is in his ð to beâŠwell, ð °ïž bit of ð °ïž brute. FIONA Him? You know, you didn’t exactly ðroll ð out the Welcome Wagon. KING Well, ðŠ did you expect? Look at ðŠ he’s ðš to you. FIONA Shrek lovesðð me for who I am. I would ð€thinkð€ you’d be ð for me. KING Darling, I’m just ð about what’sðŠ best âš for you. Maybe you should do the same. SCENE 5ïžâ£ FOREST SHREK [reading the potion] “Happily Ever After Potion. Maximum strength. For you and your true ð. If 1ïžâ£ of you drinks ð· this, you both will be fine. Happiness, comfort and ð divine.” You both will be fine? I guess ð®ð¹ meansðð it’ll affect Fiona, too. DONKEY Hey, ð®, this don’t feel â¶ïž. My donkey senses are tingling all over. Drop that ðº o’ð Ÿïž voodoo and let’s ð out of ð. SHREK It says, “Beauty Divine.” How ð can ð®ð¹ be? [sniffs the potion and sneezes] DONKEY See, you’re allergic to that stuff. You’ll ð¶ ð °ïž reaction. And if you thinkð that I’ll be smearing Vapor Rub over your chest, thinkð€ again! SHREK Well, here’sð to ðºðž, Fiona. DONKEY Shrek? You ð¶ that, there’s ð going ⬠ïž. 20 SHREK I know. DONKEY No â wallowing in the mud? SHREK I know. DONKEY No â itchy butt crack? SHREK I know! DONKEY But you ð beingðð an ð¹! SHREK I know! But I ð Fiona â. DONKEY Shrek, ð£! Wait! SHREK drinksð the potion. Thereâs ð °ïž long ⯠then…he fartsðšðš DONKEY I thinkð you grabbed the “Farty Ever After” potion. PUSS Maybe it’sð®ð¹ ð °ïž dud. SHREK Or maybe Fiona and I were never meantð to be. [Thunder cracks and he passesð¯ð¯ out] DONKEY Shrek! Black out. Fade in CASTLE INTERIOR. FIONA enters with her luggage. KING There you are! We missed you at dinner. What is ð®ð¹, darling? FIONA Dad…I’ve been ð€ about ðŠ you said. And I’m going to ð things â¶ïž. KING Ah! Excellent! That’s my ðž. FIONA It was ð °ïž mistake to bring Shrek ð. I’m going to go out and ð him. And then we’ll go â©ïž to the swamp where we belong. QUEEN Fiona, ð! Let’s not be rash, darling. You can’t go anywhere â¶ïž now. Thunder cracks again and FIONA collapses KING Fiona! 21 ACT 3ïžâ£ SCENE 1ïžâ£ IN THE BARN – MORNING SISTER Good ð , sleepyhead. I â€ïž your kitty! SHREK Oh… My 𣅠SISTER Here, I fetched ð °ïž pail of ð±. SHREK Thanks. Uhh! [sees his reflection in the pale] Aahh! A cute ð ð? Thick, ã°ïž locksð? Taut, ð buttocks? I’m… I’m… SISTER Gorgeous! [moves in closer] I’m Jill. What’s your ð? SHREK Um… Shrek. SISTER Shrek? Wow. Are you from Europe? SHREK ðlooksð around ð SISTER You’re tense. I want to rub your shoulders. SHREK Have you seen my donkey? DONKEY enters and begins ð¬studyingð¬ SHREK, followed by PUSS DONKEY Wow! That’s some quality potion, Shrek! What’s in that stuff? PUSS “Warning: Side effects may include burning, itching, oozing, weeping ð. Not intended for ð patients or those with… ð¥ disorders.” SHREK What? PUSS Señor? “To make the effects of this potion permanent, the drinkerðž must ð his true ðlove’sð ð by ð.” SHREK Midnight? DONKEY Why is ð®ð¹ always ð? SISTER Pick me! I’ll be your true ð«! SHREK Look, ðµ, I already ð¶ ð °ïž true ð. SISTER Oh… 22 PUSS Take ð®ð¹ from me, Boss. You are going to ð¶ 1ïžâ£ ð Princess. DONKEY And let’s ð ð®ð¹. Even though you are ð °ïž lot easier ð the ð, ð you’re the same ðŽ ð, salty… SHREK (simultaneously) Easy. DONKEY …cantankerous, foul, ð ð¹ you always been. SHREK And you’re still the same annoyingð donkey. DONKEY [Bashful] Yeah. SHREK Well…Look out, Princess. Here comes the ð me. DONKEY First things first. We need to ð you out of those ð. SISTER gasps SCENE ð THE CASTLE GATES GUARD Halt! SHREK Tell Princess Fiona her husband, Sir Shrek, is ð to ð her. FIONA â°wakesâ° âïž ð °ïžasð °ïžð °ïž ð °ïž ð« and ðlooksð at herself in the mirror. She ð±screams ð± SHREK Fiona! FIONA Shrek? SHREK runsðš into FIONAâs room asð °ïž FIONA runs ð ð» to the ð° gates. FG enters the room just before SHREK, she is cloaked. SHREK Fiona? FG Hello, handsome. FIONA Shrek! DONKEY Princess! FIONA Donkey? 23 DONKEY Wow! That potion ð¢workedð¢ð¢ ð you, too? FIONA What potion? DONKEY Shrek took some â¥ïž potion. And well…Now, heâs sexy! FIONA [looking at PUSS] Shrek? PUSS For you, ðŒ… I could be. DONKEY Yeah, you ð. FIONA Donkey, where is Shrek? DONKEY He went ð lookingð for you. DONKEY and PUSS ðª. FIONA Shrek? SHREK Fiona! Fiona! FG [blocks his ðª with her wand] Are you going soð ð? Don’t you want to ð your wife? CHARMING enters CHARMING Fiona? FIONA Shrek? CHARMING Aye, Fiona. It is me. What happened to your voice? SHREK The potion changedðŒ ð °ïž lot of things, Fiona. But not the âïž I feel about you. KING and QUEEN enter QUEEN Fiona? KING Charming? CHARMING [showing ðŽ outfit] Do you think ðð soð? [laughs] Dad. I was soð ðhopingð you’d approve. QUEEN Um… Who are you? KING Mom, it’sð®ð¹ me, Shrek. I know you never ð ð °ïž second chance at ð °ïž first impression, but, well, ðŠ do you thinkðð? [Hugs FIONA] SHREK Fiona! Fiona! 24 FG Fiona, Fiona! Ho-ho-ho! Oh, ð«! I don’t think ð€ they can ð ð»ð®, pigeon.[sighs deeply] Don’t you think ðð you’ve already messed her life âïž enough? SHREK I just wanted her to be ð. FG And now she can be. Oh, sweetheart. She’s finally foundðð the prince of her dreams. SHREK But ð at me. Look ðŠ I’ve ðš for her. FG It’s ð you ð living in ð °ïž fairy tale, Shrek. She’s ð °ïž ðž, and you’re an ð¹. That’s something ð amount of potion will ever changeðŒ. SHREK But…I ð her. FG If you really ð« her… you’ll let her go. SHREK ð SCENE ð± THE UGLY STEPSISTERâS TAVERN SISTER Here you go, boysð. PUSS Just leave âïž the ðŒ, Doris. SISTER Hey. Why the long ð±? SHREK It was all just ð °ïž stupid mistake. I never should ð¶ rescued her from that ðŒ in the first ð. PUSS I ð¡ Mondays. DONKEY I can’t believe you’d ð¶ away from the bestð thing that happened to you. SHREK What choice do I ð¶? She lovesð that pretty ð¶, Prince Charming. DONKEY Come ð. Is he really that ð-lookingð? SISTER Are you kidding? He’s gorgeous! He hasð¶ ð °ïž ð that looksð ð ð®ð¹ was carved by ðangelsð. PUSS Oh. He soundsðð dreamy. 25 SHREK You know…shockingly, this isn’t making me feel any better ðð. Look, guysð±ð±. It’s for the âšbest âš. Mom and Dad approve, and Fiona getsðð the ðŽ she’s always dreamed of. Everybody ð€winsð€. DONKEY Except for you. I don’t ð ð®ð¹, Shrek. You ð Fiona. SHREK Aye. And that’s why I ð¶ to let her go. KING enters in ð °ïž cloak, at the â©ïž of the tavern. KING Excuse me, is she ð? GUARD She’s, uh… in the ⬠ïž. KING Oh, ð again. Fairy Godmother. Charming. FG You’d better ð ð¶ ð °ïž ð reason for dragging ð»ð® â€µïž ð, Harold. KING Well, I’m afraid Fiona isn’t really… warmingâšïž ðº to Prince Charming. CHARMING FYI, not my fault. FG No, of course ð®ð¹it’sð®ð¹ not, dear. CHARMING I ð, how charming can I be when I ð¶ to pretend I’m that dreadful ð¹? KING No, ð£, it’sð®ð¹ nobody’s fault. Perhaps ð®ð¹it’sð®ð¹ best ð if we just ð² the whole thing ðŽ, ð? FG and CHARMING What? KING You can’t force someone to ð» in ð! FG I beg to differ. I do ð®ð¹ all the ð ! [pulls out ð °ïž magical potion from her bag] Have Fiona ð» this and ðshe’llð ð» in ð with the first ð± she ðkisses ðð, which will be Charming. KING Umm… ð. FG What did you say? KING I can’t. I won’t do ð®ð¹. FG Oh, ð, you will. If you remember, I ðhelpedð you with your happily ð ever after. And I can take ð®ð¹ away just asð °ïž easily. Is that ðŠ you want? Is ð®ð¹? 26 KING No. FG Good ð². Now, we ð¶ to go. I need to do Charming’s ð before the ð. He’s hopeless. He’s all ð in the front. He can never ð to the â©ïž. You need someone to do the ⬠ïž. CHARMING Oh. Thank you, Mother. DONKEY Mother? FG The ð¹! Stop them! Stop them! The guardsð grab SHREK, DONKEY and PUSS and all ðª SCENE ð IN THE CASTLE The KING enters with ð °ïž ð« of ðµ cupsð¶. He pours the poisonâ into 1ïžâ£ of them, just before FIONA enters. KING Darling? Ah. I ð I might ð you ð. How about ð °ïž nice ðª ð¶ of âïž before the ð³? FIONA I’m not going. KING The whole Kingdom’s turned out to celebrate your ð. FIONA There’s just 1ïžâ£ â ïž. That’s not my husband. I ð, ð at him. KING Yes, he is ð °ïž bit different, but ðª changeðŒðŒ for the ones1ïžâ£ they ð. You’d be ð how much I changedðŒðŒ for your ðª. FIONA Change? He’s completely lost his mind! KING Why not come ð» to the âœïž and give him another chance? You might ð you ð this ð Shrek. FIONA But it’s ð®ð¹ the ðµ 1ïžâ£ I fellð in ð» with, Dad. I’d give anything to ð¶ him ð. [reached for 1ïžâ£ of the ðµ cups] KING Darling. That’s mineâ. Decaf. Otherwise I’m ð all ð. FIONA [drinking from the other cup] Thanks. 27 SCENE 5ïžâ£ THE DUNGEON DONKEY I ðgot ð to ð out of ð! I ðgot ðð to ð out of ð! You can’t ð ðºðž ðº ð this! Let me go! What about my Miranda rights â¶ïžâ¶ïž? You’re supposed to say I ð¶ the â¶ïž to remain ð¶. Nobody said I ð¶ the â¶ïž to remain ð! SHREK You HAVE the â¶ïž to remain ð. What you lack is the capacity. PUSS I must ð« ð before I, too, go totally ð . PINOCHIO Shrek? Donkey? PUSS Too ð£. SHREK Gingy! Pinocchio! Get ðºð² out of ð! GINGY Quick! Tell ð °ïž lie! PINOCHIO What should I say? SHREK Anything, but quick! GINGY Say something crazy ð, “I’m wearing ladies’ðµ underwear!” PINOCHIO I am wearing ladies’ ð© underwear. SHREK Are you? PINOCHIO I most certainly am not! [his ð grows] DONKEY It ðlooksð ð you most certainly am are! PINOCHIO I am not! PUSS What kind? GINGY [looking in the â©ïž of PINOCHIOâs lederhosen] It’s ð °ïž thong! PINOCHIO Oww! They’re briefs! GINGY Are not. PINOCHIO Are too! GINGY Here we go. Hang tight. [picks the ð with PINOCHIOâs nose] SHREK Okay ðboysðð! We’ve gotð to â¹ that ð! 28 DONKEY I ð you was going to let her go. SHREK I was, but I can’t let them do this to Fiona. DONKEY Boom! That’s ðŠ I ð to ð. Look who’s coming around! PINOCHIO It’s impossible! You’ll never ð in. The ð¯castle’sð¯ guardedð. There’s ð °ïž moat and everything! [nose shrinks ð down] GINGY Folks, ð®ð¹ ðlooksðð ð we’re âïž ðª creek without ð °ïž Popsicle stick. SHREK Donât worryð guysð, I ð¶ ð °ïž plan. To the ð°! SCENE ð¡ THE ROYAL BALL ROYAL MESSENGER Ladies and gentlemenð©ð©. Presenting Princess Fiona and her ð husband, Prince Shrek. AUDIENCE ðapplausesð, ð£. CHARMING begins ðŽ and encouraging the audience FIONA Shrek, ðŠ are you doing? CHARMING I’m just ð the ãœïž, Fiona. FIONA Is that glitter ð your ð? CHARMING Mm. Cherry flavored. Want to ð? FIONA Ugh! What is with you? CHARMING But, Muffin Cake… FIONA ðgetsðð fed âïž and turns to leaveð, CHARMING looksð at FG for ð. FG [Sotto Voce] Play something! Now! [turns to the AUDIENCE] Ladies and gentlemenð©. I’d ð to dedicate this song to… Princess Fiona and Prince Shrek. CHARMING Fiona, my Princess. Will you honor me with ð °ïž dance? AUDIENCE Dance! Dance! FIONA Since when do you dance? 29 CHARMING Fiona, my dearest, if there’s 1ïžâ£ thing I know, it’sð®ð¹ that ð is ðµ of ð²surprisesð². OUTSIDE THE BALL All â¶ïž, fellas! Let’s crash this ð! GUARD Halt â¶ïž there! GINGY Make me! GUARD grabs GINGY by the collar GINGY Not the gumdrop ðµ! DONKEY and PUSS grab the GUARD DONKEY Go! Go! Your ðµ needs you! Go! SHREK exitsðªðª PUSS Today, I repay my debt. GUARD yells and is chased offstage by PUSS. DONKEY, PINOCHIO and GINGY FOLLOW SHREK Stop! Hey, you! Back away from my wife. FIONA Shrek? FG You couldn’t just go â©ïž to your swamp and ðleaveð well enough alone. SHREK Pinocchio! Get the wand! PINOCHIO runsðšðš for the wand but getsðð zapped along the âïž. His âPINOCHIOâ ð is gone. PINOCHIO I’m ð °ïž real ð! The WOLF barges in and ð¬blows ð¬ the wand out of FGâs ð, GINGY picks â ð®ð¹ ð and accidentally zaps PINOCHIO, his wooden ð appears again. PINOCHIO I’m ð °ïž real ð. Aah! Oh. FG That’s mineâ! PUSS and DONKEY enter DONKEY Pray for mercy, from Puss… PUSS and Donkey! FG She’s taken the potion! Kiss her now! CHARMING ðkissesð FIONA 30 SHREK No! CHARMING and FIONA ð at eachother longingly, SHREK is heartbroken. FIONA (headbutting CHARMING) Hya! ALL gasp SHREK Fiona. FIONA Shrek. SHREK and FIONA embrace FG Harold! You were supposed to give her the potion! KING Well, I guess I gave her the wrong âïž. CHARMING [snatching the wand and tossing ð®ð¹ â¬ ïž to FG] Mommy! FIONA Mommy? FG I told you. Ogres don’t live happilyð ever after. FG tries to zap SHREK but KING grabs the wand. They both disappear. FIONA Oh, Dad![sobbing] PINOCHIO Is he…? GINGY Yup. He ðžcroakedðž. Croak ðµ can be ðð². FIONA âpicksâ ðº ð °ïž ðž QUEEN Harold? FIONA Dad? KING I’d ðhopedð you’d never ð me ð© this. DONKEY And he gave you ð °ïž hard ð! SHREK Donkey! KING No, â, he’s â¶ïž. I’m ð. To both of you. I only wanted ðŠ was bestðð for Fiona. But I can ð now… she already ð¶hasð¶ ð®ð¹. Shrek, Fiona… Will you ð an ðŽ frog’sðž apologiesð… and my blessing? QUEEN Harold? KING I’m ð, Lillian. I just ð I could be the ðŽ you deserve. 31 QUEEN You’re â that ð± today than you ever were… warts and all. Clock ðchimesð PUSS Boss! The Happily Ever After Potion! SHREK Midnight! Fiona. Is this ðŠ you want? To be this âïž forever? FIONA What? SHREK Because if you ð me now… we can stay ð this. FIONA You’d do that? For me? SHREK Yes. FIONA I want ðŠ any ðž wants. To live happilyð ever after, [SHREK leans in to ðœ her but she stopsð him] with the ð¹ I married. PUSS Whatever happens, I must not ð¢! You cannot make me ð! [sobs] Clock chimesðð. Flashing ðlightsð, ð °ïžasð °ïž the crowd gathers ð and reveals the ð¹ SHREK and FIONA SHREK Now, where were we? Oh. I remember. Fade out. Spotlight ð DONKEY. DONKEY Hey! Isn’t we supposed to be havingð¶ ð °ïž fiesta? FANFARE
One response to “Why Catfish & The Bottlemen Aren’t Actually That Bad”
[…] worth sticking around for: we were frankly a bit worried what it would be like after finding out he supported this site’s favourite band Catfish & The Bottlemen but Fender’s music has an addictive feel to it without sacrificing integrity or […]
LikeLike