10 Worst Albums of 2017

You’ll be happy, or sad, to know that this list is the last negative one to drop all year though all that means is that the team are gonna blow their collective loads over the worst music we’ve been subjected to all year.

Of course, this is entirely subjective and if you find any joy from the below albums then we’re glad you did: we didn’t. If you do have any grievances with our choices then you know where to send them so let’s batter on, shall we?

10. Wonderful Wonderful
by The Killers

If you’re familiar with The Killers, you might know that they have released their first album in five years in 2017. If you’re not, you might have not even noticed they were gone. Wonderful Wonderful picks up as if they never left, neither improving nor maturing upon their last effort, Battle BornWonderful Wonderful does not act as an improvement in The Killers’ discography, but instead, plays the same formula they’ve been following for the past 13 years.

Wonderful Wonderful would have sounded better had it been released in 2013, back when Get Lucky by Daft Punk was the biggest song in the world. Maybe then, The Man could have stood as a decent radio single. Almost every element of Wonderful Wonderful sounds incredibly stale in the current genre of indie rock. Making songs like Rut, fueled by frontman Brandon Flowers’s distress with trying to help his wife’s PTSD condition, feel passionless. Like Rut, most of the songs off Wonderful Wonderful try to sound like the grand stadium-closer track that electrifies the crowd and instead sound like the deep cut off their new album that nobody knows the words too.

The Killers lack a certain element that makes their songs sound as grand as they want them to sound. What made songs on Hot Fuss sound as exciting and fresh as they did at the time, and endless revisable as they do today, has been poorly executed throughout their following studio albums. Wonderful Wonderful, not acting as an exception, but further proving the point that The Killers are not as great as you would like them to be. – Ryan Martin (@ryanmartin182)

FULL REVIEW HERE

9. Going Grey 
by The Front Bottoms

The Front Bottoms have been one of the biggest stars of the underground indie community of this decade. Originating as a duo of simple acoustic power chords, provocative lyrics, and catchy melodies, TFB have managed to retain their dedicated fan base since the release of their self-titled 6 years ago. Surely, fans must expect the raw, emotional, amateur sound of the early releases to evolve and mature over time.

This was hinted at with 2015’s Back On Top, which incorporated a fuller and more mainstream sound to what fans were used to expecting from the New Jersey duo. TFB’s latest, Going Grey, takes a strong lead into the direction Back On Top foreshadowed. With heavy synths, trap hi-hats, and minor use of the acoustic guitar, it’s leaving day one fans scratching their heads.

Going Grey plays front to back much less like an album but more as a collection of songs. There are too many skippable songs for an 11-track record and not enough heartfelt moments for it to even feel like a Front Bottoms record. The only consistent element throughout TFB’s discography is the vocal range that Sella has kept throughout the years. It’s the only thing that still feels in place about the band but also sounds so out of place when backed by a sound that sounds desperate for radio play. 

Going Grey may have added more elements, instruments, and layers to TFB’s early minimalistic approach, and there are definite highlights to be found in Vacation Town, but the result sounds less like an evolved, matured version of the band than a sell-out, cheapened version. – Ryan Martin (@ryanmartin182)

FULL REVIEW HERE

8. Reputation
by Taylor Swift

When following up a successful record, 2 of an artist’s main goals should be not to repeat what they did on their previous LP, and for this progression to make the new record better as a result. However, on new album Reputation, Taylor Swift did neither of these things.

In short, her tacky new trap sound found on roughly half of the record’s tracks (…Ready For It?) was so hideous that it saw insufferable lead single Look What You Made Me Dovoted as Blinkclyro’s worst track of the year. On top of this, Swift made the bizarre decision to unsubtly write all her beef into her music for the first time, literally beating listeners over the head with the knowledge of how detestably petty she is.

To be fair, there were 2 excellent tracks on Reputation: Getaway Car and New Year’s Day. The only problem? Getaway Car sounds exactly like what Swift did on 1989 and New Year’s Day is a bizarre hark back to her Speak Now days.

The risks she took on Reputation flopped just about as badly as they could have, and anything good about the record heard her merely repeating what she’d done before. – Andrew Barr (@weeandreww)

FULL REVIEW HERE

7. Low In Highschool
by Morrissey

Not since Breaking Bad can we recall the descent of a man quite like Morrissey: starting off in one of the most iconic bands of the 20th century, the quiffy man seems unable to close his big mouth and as he’s got older, the more he starts to resemble UKIP’s key demographic.

This bleeds into his latest album Low In Highschool, a record full of idiotic choices in terms of instrumentals & production (Spent The Day In Bed) to the idotic appraisal of war mongerers while…criticising warmongerers (Israel)?

The question of separating the art from the artist has come up time and time again this year but this Morrisey LP goes to show how near impossible it is to do so: it’s an insult to your brain as well as your ears. – Liam Menzies (@blnkclyr)

6. Memories…Do Not Open
by The Chainsmokers

A wise man once said: The Chainsmokers are the musical equivalent of those weird twenty-year-old guys studying photography in college who message sixteen-year-old girls stating they’re “fascinated by their minds lol xD”. That man is Josh Adams and he owes me a fiver, so if you see him, break his legs.

Memories…Do Not Open is enough to make me feel the anguish those who regularly slate chart music must feel as they exclude themselves from pop bangers: unfortunately, said bangers will not be found in this album. On all levels apart from physical, this album is sheer shite.

If you’ve ever heard an EDM song in your entire life then not only will you get deja-vu but you’ll get the unshakeable feeling that you’re witnessing a murder scene as this duo show off the drained remains of anything that could be considered “a tune”. In addition to the lacklustre production, the attempts of singing on this record are utterly laughable: Break Up Every Night is the manifestation of everything bad about this LP, featuring some of the poorest vocals to be put into an album all year along with some of the worst lyrics I’ve ever heard in my life;

She wants to break up every night / Then tries to fuck me back to life

“She got seven personalities, everyone’s a tragedy.”

If their name is anything to go by then it’s only a matter of time until The Chainsmokers quit the cigarettes, pick up a vape, lose their cool cred and fade into obscurity like they should have after that dreadful selfie song.  – Liam Menzies (@blnkclyr)

5. SCUM
by RAT BOY

Finally dropping their debut album SCUM, the album everyone wanted in 2015, Rat Boy added to the pile of mediocre indie rock to populate the British music scene. The only unique thing each track has is a different band or artist to rip off; think of any significant British act in the past 30 years and no doubt rat boy will have mimicked them with abysmal results on their debut album.

Any potential that the band had is buried in their influences and their desire for popularity has produced a safe and tedious effort that brings nothing fresh to the table at all. Even older songs such as Left 4 Dead have been butchered to death for the studio album and all the energy that the band could have had is replaced with cringe-worthy lyrics, forced themes and forgettable instrumentals.

Oh and if for some reason you actually still want to listen to this PLEASE don’t listen to the deluxe version; it has these radio “skits” that are just awful and make the entire thing even worse (if you can imagine that). – Ethan Woodford (@human_dis4ster)

FULL REVIEW HERE

4. As You Were
by Liam Gallagher

If there’s one positive thing I can say about Liam Gallagher, it’s that he’s got the marketing game down to an absolute tee: amassing a cult following thanks to his trademark Twitter ramblings, exposing a new age of fans to his erratic behaviour, it’s definitely helped him get back on his feet after the disaster that was Beady Eye and his media portrayal over the past few years.

That being said; why is his debut LP so painfully dull? I will admit that it was a clever move to get Greg Kurstin of Adele production fame on board to allow his songs to mutate into some earworms but there are delightful earworms and then there are the terminal ones that are injecting some sort of toxin into your membrane without you realising.

As stated, the biggest gripe I have with this album is just so by the numbers it is though unlike a coloring book, which provides some sort of vibrance, As You Were works with greys, dark greys and some slightly lighter shades of grey. – Liam Menzies (@blnkclyr)

FULL REVIEW HERE

3. Erratic Cinematic
by Gerry Cinnamon 

What can be said about this Scottish upstart that hasn’t been said already? Plenty, apparently. Everycunt and their dogs seem to love Gerry Cinnamon and his HASHTAGRELATABLE songs. To be fair to the lad, they do cover a plethora of topics. From getting drunk to taking drugs… to girls… to… taking drugs and getting drunk! Truly a poet of our times.

If I hadn’t made it abundantly clear, I hate Gerry Cinnamon’s music and especially his latest album Erratic Cinematic. I really, really do. It’s the exact opposite of what I would choose to listen to regularly, but I saw Twitter ranting and raving about this man and his guitar, so I lamented and had a wee listen. This was all after I seen his “Legendary” set at TRNSMT festival this year, which I absolutely fucking hated every second of. But I thought it was only fair to give his studio album a wee try, see what the craic was.

I have now decided to never be fair again because honestly and truly, this is one of the worst albums I’ve heard in years. I’ve been known to be hyperbolic from time to time, but I genuinely mean it. It’s so bad that I can’t bring myself to listen to it again. Just listen to Sometimes and Belter and if any part of you enjoys it, let me know so I can entirely block you from my life.

The only slightly redeeming quality of this album is Gerry’s vocals, which are fine. But on record, they sound like they were recorded when he was trapped in a fridge that’s orbiting Jupiter. So tinny and manufactured sounding. To be honest the entire album was recorded piss poorly.

Who knows, maybe if Gerry stumbles into an actual working studio one day, he might do a Jake Bugg and end up maturing into a decent artist, but for the moment this is by the numbers, utterly forgettable, “for the people” lad-folk that will leave a bad taste in the mouth of any self-respecting music fan. – Jake Cordiner (@jjjjaketh)

2. Pacific Daydream
by Weezer

When I listened to Pacific Daydream, Weezer’s 11th(!) studio album, I wasn’t angry or even disappointed, I was sad. Genuinely, actually sad. Coming off of 2014’s return to form Everything Will Be Alright In The End and 2016’s genuinely fantastic White Album, it was a great time to be a Weezer fan.

They’d gone back to the halcyon days of masterpieces Blue Album and Pinkerton and seemed to have abandoned the overly poppy sheen that saturated albums like Raditude or Red Album. Weezer were doing the impossible, they were winning back the fans they’d lost, and convincingly at that.

Then, earlier this year, they dropped Feels Like Summer, the lead single from Pacific Daydream, and everyone started to worry. This wasn’t Weezer. This was the disgusting, mutated love child of modern Fall Out Boy and naughties Weezer, and it wasn’t even as good as either of them. Transparent, nothing backing vocals. A jaunty wee piano line. Shite lead vocals from the more often than mot serviceable Rivers Cuomo. What the fuck was this? More importantly, why the fuck was this?

They stopped trying, Weezer stopped giving a fucking shit. I don’t know if Rivers and the lads just decided they were bored of writing actual good power pop and decided to just completely pull the rug from underneath all of the OG fans who thought it was safe to go back into the Weezer-infested water for a laugh. I cannot wrap my head around it.

The whole album is just like Feels Like Summer; boring, bland as you like pop-rock. Mexican Fender is a bit catchy, but it just sounds like a song they knew wasn’t good enough for White Album. I’m getting all fired up now so I’m away for a lie-down. I expect a written apology from Weezer for this abomination, and FAST. – Jake Cordiner (@jjjjaketh)

1. Divide
by Ed Sheeran

Ed Sheeran is a confusing man. Whilst he seems like a genuinely nice guy, his music is so bland and vanilla you’ve forgotten what the song sounds like before it finishes.

Despite the fact it was wholesomely boring, Shape of You seemed to be one of the biggest tracks of 2017, capitalising on a clearly large market of heterosexual couples who enjoy missionary sex, chicken kormas and racially abusing train guards after two mulled wines at the Christmas market.

Can you remember what Barcelona sounds like? Bet you thought Dive was on the last album, didn’t you? Whilst Multiply had a few choice cuts on it, Divide saw the ginger guitar grandmaster dive deeper into milquetoast music for people who just don’t care about what they listen to.

25465932_10154978412625811_384883043_n
“You know I had to do it to Ed”

Agree? Disagree? Let us know what you think either in the comments below or beef us over on our Twitter (@blinkclyro).

Album Review: The Killers – Wonderful Wonderful

By Ryan Martin (@RyanMartin182rating 3

If you’re familiar with The Killers, you might know that they have recently released their first album in five years. If you’re not, you might have not even noticed they were gone. Wonderful Wonderful picks up as if they never left, neither improving nor maturing upon their last effort, Battle Born. Wonderful Wonderful does not act as an improvement in The Killers’s discography, but instead, plays the same formula they’ve been following for the past 13 years.

The returning LP opens with the title track, which plays as a grand opening that never really reaches its full potential. It has a feeling of growing tension, almost like the storm that sparked the title of the LP in the first place. This tension does not reach a peak and leaves the listener feeling unsatisfied, bringing you into the explosion of energy in the second track. The Man, the most energetic The Killers have sounded since Day & Age, released almost a decade ago.

Where the Las Vegas band succeed the most is when they sound the most energetic. A few instances prove this throughout Wonderful Wonderful, particularly around the mid-point of the LP. Where The Killers fail the most is when they try to create grand ballads that come off more as a filler track than an album-defining track. Wonderful Wonderful is filled with these, which makes it’s 43-minute run time overstay it’s welcome by the time you’ve reached the outdrawn closer, Have All the Songs Been Written?

Wonderful Wonderful would have sounded better had it been released in 2013, back when Get Lucky by Daft Punk was the biggest song in the world. Maybe then, The Man could have stood as a decent radio single. Almost every element of Wonderful Wonderful sounds incredibly stale in the current genre of indie rock. Making songs like Rut, fueled by front man Brandon Flowers’s distress with trying to help his wife’s PTSD condition, feel passionless. Like Rut, most of the songs off Wonderful Wonderful try to sound like the grand stadium-closer track that electrifies the crowd, and instead sound like the deep cut off their new album that nobody knows the words too.

Battle Born, The Killers’s last LP released in 2012, had similar flaws. The energetic songs didn’t have the same kick that early Killers tracks had, and most of the ballads didn’t feel genuine enough. Still, Battle Born had few exceptions, like Miss Atomic Bomb, and Be Still, that while they weren’t the best songs The Killers had written, they were sticky enough to be included in their Greatest Hits compilation, released the following year. There are maybe two songs off Wonderful Wonderful’s 10-song track listing that feel genuine enough to be revisited. At this point, one may wonder if The Killers’s legacy is becoming more tainted with every studio release.

The Killers lack a certain element that makes their songs sound as grand as they want them to sound. What made songs on Hot Fuss sound as exciting and fresh as they did at the time, and endless revisable as they do today, has been poorly executed throughout their following studio albums. Wonderful Wonderful, not acting as an exception, but further proving the point that The Killers are not as great as you would like them to be.

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FESTIVAL REVIEW – Gettin’ Glastönbutlered

By Oliver Butler (@notoliverbutler)

The key thing you need to take into consideration with Glastonbury is that it is not your common garden music festival. I mean, first of all, it’s actually a ‘Festival of Contemporary Performing Arts’, which is true, because no matter where you go in those trillion square acres of Somerset countryside, there is always something weird and wonderful going on.

Whilst yer da was at home complaining about how Jeremy Corbyn and Ed Sheeran was on his telly with 6,000 other available channels, there were a million other things happening. People were indulging themselves in ancient cultures, sampling some of the world’s hottest and most loved musical and artistic acts, and slightly overweight music writers were permanently sipping beer as they thought of what they were actually going to say about Glastonbury.

https://twitter.com/notoliverbutler/status/877657321886896129

Sorry to disappoint you, but there’s no perfect way to describe it. As soon as you sweep through the sleepy village of Pilton, Somerset, you’re greeted by sights that would put Disneyland to shame, and it really is Disneyland for grownups. There’s so much whimsy, magic and wonder as you stroll about Farmer Eavis’ Gigantic Farm of Banter, and the view at night from the hill on which the Glastonbury sign sits is unparalleled.

In every sense of the matter, this festival is huge, and the big name bands are merely just a side show. If you spend an entire Glastonbury weekend just watching bands, then buddy, you done fucked up.

However, my job for this website is literally writing about bands, so let’s talk about that, shall we?

Thursday

Old Dirty Brasstards

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ga25UP2Lt8

Ooooooooh I’m drunk, and these boys are the perfect accompaniment to any decent session. The tweed-clad army of lads play up-tempo covers of some of your favourite pop and rock songs, opening 2017’s set with a beautiful rendition of QotSA’s No One Knows, followed by Taylor Swift’s Shake It Off, David Bowie’s Let’s Dance, and of course, for the stars of Friday’s show, a cover of Radiohead’s Paranoid Android, all expertly communicated through the jovial means of brass and percussion. Without hyperbole, if these boys played a Friday, Saturday or Sunday night, there’s every chance I’d have sacked one of the headliners off to see them. The Brasstards are the perfect feel good start to a weekend of quality music.

10/10

BANDS SEEN: 1

BEERS DRANK: Got a bit hazy around twenty. Went to Pimp My Fries, then strolling around the legendary South East Corner, on the hunt for some good times. Threw up. A lot.

Friday

Oh God. Is it possible to be this hungover? I can just about move my body and that’s to poke my head out of the tent pod’s little window to retch the last of my pimped fries up. Damn you Pimp My Fries. This Friday at Glastonbury is going to suck even more as in the evening, Radiohead, Lorde, Sleaford Mods, Dizzee Rascal AND Clean Bandit all clash. Fuck this festival and the sheer amount of quality musicians on offer.

Nothing But Thieves

They’re nonces, Jim.

Royal Blood

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B8AuiZ0O6Qg

Here’s another hot-as-bollocks band with a second album that’s come out in 2017, which, at first was a bit disappointing, but has grown on me, with live performances of Where Are You Now?, Lights Out, Hook Line and Sinker and Hole In Your Heart strengthening the love for How Did We Get So Dark? 

But it just wouldn’t be a Royal Blood set without jams like Figure it Out, Little Monster, and the almighty Out of the Black closing the set, with a massive cock tease as sticksman Ben Thatcher went into the crowd just before the final riff, only for the camera to pan to LARS FUCKING ULRICH FROM FUCKING METALLICA, maybe nodding to the fact that Lars took over the drums once before whilst Ben got closer to the crowd. However, it wasn’t meant to be, but Christ almighty, what a set!

8/10

The XX

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nhZTexVqRCI

I’ll level with you here. I watched these guys from my chair back at the tent which overlooks the Pyramid, because I couldn’t face standing up for a few hours waiting for Thom Yorke and His Gaggle of Weird Lads to show up. But having never really given them the time of day before, they were very impressive, and their airy, synthy sound was the perfect relaxer for a man with a devastating hangover. However, I did have a can. Lovely.

Look, if you’re looking for someone who spent his weekend sober, whilst sticking religously to his itinerary, trying to review as many bands as he could, you’ve come to the wrong place.

7/10 

Radiohead

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cGFg0FN2yBU

Bucket list band time here gang. Ever since I got my pubescent paws on a copy of OK Computer and The Bends whilst only really knowing the words to Creep, I’ve wanted to see this band, but in my heart of hearts, I knew they’d disappoint me because of how much I wanted this.

The first bar of Daydreaming and there was zero possible way that Radiohead could disappoint me tonight. I was stood around the WORST people, including a group of LadBible fanatics doing keys of MD, a man in slacks and a fleece taking photos of EVERYTHING, a couple who wouldn’t stop fucking kissing and literally Your Dad singing every word of every song but sulking through Creep.

However, the set was perfect, the notable highlight being the eerie silence during Exit Music (For a Film), turning that song from a 10/10 to a 20/10. Songs such as Ful Stop, Weird Fishes, Lotus Flower, Bodysnatchers and Nude made an appearance because I’m Thom fucking Yorke mate. A friend commented that they’ve got to play Pyramid Song because they’re on the Pyramid Stage, and they did! But probably not for that reason, probably because I’m Thom fucking Yorke mate.

Whilst some bands stick to their vanilla setlists to please all palettes, I can’t even work out what flavour this set was. Aged pistachio or something. But when you get Fake Plastic Trees and Karma Police as some of the final accents, it can be whatever flavour you want it to be. Truly one of the best sets I’ve ever seen. Ever.

10/10

BEERS DRANK: Two! Two!

BANDS SEEN: Four. Ish. 

Saturday

Fresh as a daisy mate. Fresh. As. A. Daisy. I’ve probably had 10 hours sleep, and I’m ready to have halloumi for breakfast. I think I had halloumi. Really it’s hard to work out what happened and when, but one thing I can tell you for definite is that Saturday started with…

Jools Holland and His Rhythm and Blues Orchestra

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B6naZMWemDs

No word of a lie, there were fewer bands I was more excited to see this weekend. When he’s not walking backwards in a studio introducing bands, he’s an accomplished blues pianist, bringing boogie to all the land, and with his full orchestra, oh my, it’s a party!

Jools and his guests played a variety of covers, getting an early afternoon audience up and ready, pumping them full of feel good, including a joyful cover of Enjoy Yourself by The Specials, and an appearance from my favourite, the Queen herself, Ruby Turner.

One thing I would recommend is getting tickets to go and see this man. You won’t have a better evening, I guarantee.

9/10

Craiiig David

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vuUZh81B27I

Re-rewind, when I run back to the tent for more beers!

Straight off the bat, Craiiig David was a delight to see, playing a mix of orignal garage, soul and R&B classics, plus a few covers and a TS5 DJ set. It also led to the theory that Bo’ Selecta! did actually ruin Craiiig David‘s life, in that when introducing the stone cold banger that is Rise and Fall, he spoke about coming through adversity and how writing music helped him get through some tough times. Bo’ Selecta! came out in 2002, Rise and Fall came out in 2003. Your honour, no further questions.

But needless to say, Craiiig David had the last laugh, as he’s had a number one album, a UK wide arena tour, played the Pyramid Stage at Glastonbury whilst Avid Merrion being about as funny as a haemmorhoid being Keith Lemon. So who won that round? Ya boi Craig did.

8/10

Jeremy Corbyn

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UVGFi8balOM

“WOAAAAH JEREMY CORBYN! I don’t give a fuck about him, I voted UKIP” – those lads doing MDMA behind me at Radiohead.

Still never know which way Glastonbury leans. Whilst it’s an inherently left leaning festival in that it used to be a CND festival, it is chock full of Tories, and when they try to mosh, they endager the lives of everybody in that pit. That being said, worst you could do is give them a head injury and create a Lib Dem front bencher.

Oh yeah, Jeremy Corbyn.

It was a rapturous reception for the Labour party leader, with the field surrounding the Pyramid packed to the rafters (there are no rafters in fields, but fuck you) for his address, stirring the souls of every person in that field, giving a lucky young boy named Michael Eavis a signed copy of the Labour manifesto. Well jel. Whilst he was preaching to the many converted, undoubtedly there were a few who couldn’t help but be enthused by his message.

1 billion/10

Run the Jewels

Image result for run the jewels glastonbury 2017

Another tent special. Good guys, good sound, good message.

7/10

Liam Gallagher

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8xo_GcOsp4k

Oh my God. This guy is literally Your Dad. He’s in his anorak, trying to sing Oasis coverOH it’s Liam Gallagher. If you were at that gig, please let me know if you were also there, purely for him to say “Oh and by the way, this is my brother Noel“.

In defence of the lesser of the two evils, sound quality plagued the Other Stage for the entire weekend, but the sound quality was still dire, as an anaemic crowd tried to pretend they gave a shit about Wall of Glass. Sure he played Rock n Roll Star, Morning Glory and Slide Away, plus an emotional rendition of Don’t Look Back In Anger, but there was little substance to this set, making the fact I ran out of cans even more upsetting. Jesus.

4/10

Katy Perry

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E5vp6usKX_Y

Caught the last bar of Roar, because it takes 9 years to walk anywhere ¯\_()_/¯

The National

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zBg9xysCYwU

Mad how Jurgen Klopp manages Liverpool and also fronts The National. Top boy all round. Being honest, I’ve got little to no interest in The National and couldn’t work out why they were sub headlining Saturday but the Eaviseseseseses are absolute r/madlads, so you’ve just gotta ROLL WITH IT, GEDDIT?! Oh wait, Liam Gallagher was the last act.

Yeah these guys sounded pretty good, and drew a decent crowd, but I can’t say I’d ever listen to them again.

7/10

Foo Fighters

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I2ER7ChXX6s

The more I think about it, the more I realise Foo Fighters is a ridiculous name for one of the world’s biggest bands, but Dave Grohl could start a band named All My Fans Are Cunts and I’d still lap up every note.

Two years ago I was pencilled in to see the Foos twice in two weeks, once at Wembley, and once at Glastonbury, until Dave selfishly broke his leg. Bastard. So this, in many ways, was a redemption gig. Opening the set with Times Like These, dedicated to Florence from Florence and the Machine, who performed the same song two years ago in their headline slot, you knew it was gonna be a good’un.

The thing about Dave Grohl, much like Thom Yorke, means that little to no fucks are given about setlist content. Which is why cats like Cold Day in the Sun, Wheels and Skin and Bones were thrown in amongst the pigeons of All My Life, The Pretender and Monkey WrenchSonic Highways hit Something from Nothing also seems to be a setlist mainstay these days, which is good, because it’s a high-grade banger, along with medium-grade banger Congregation. Brand new banger Run also got a… wait for it! Run out!

The negative points on this report card? No guests. I’ve seen these guys perform motherfucking Under Pressure with goddamn John Paul Jones and christing Roger Taylor before, but there were no special guests this time. But a cover of Under Pressure performed with Taylor Hawkins doing the vocals so that counts, I guess?

The high point of this set? The Everlong ending. Because quite frankly, if anything could ever be that way forever, if anything could ever be that good again, my word.

10/10

BANDS SEEN: Seven. Ish.

BEERS DRANK: So many. At least thirty. Ended up at a silent disco and a communal sleeping tent that honked of incense. N.B. It was a communal sleeping tent, and not an invasion of someone’s tent. 

Sunday

Hungover as fuck, gotta go load the car, so the first band I saw today was in the late afternoon and it was…

Frank Carter and the Rattlesnakes

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S2oqXN06ffE

He’d be the first to admit it, but Frank Carter is a bona fide madman, and his Sunday teatime slot with The Rattlesnake just adds to that theory. Clad with pink hair, white jeans and a sheer white shirt, the punktastic prince angrily wrangled his way through Sunday afternoon, stopping to throw an entire bottle of piss back in the face of a lad who threw piss at him first during Juggernaut. A madman. A legend. An idol. Tried to start a circle pit through the whole of the tent. Killers fans weren’t having it. Mugs,

The beauty of a Frank Carter and the Rattlesnakes set is that you’re guaranteed hits, and with Snake Eyes, Jackal, I Hate You and Lullaby being charmed out the snake basket, it was business as usual from an energetic and enthusing set. Another particular highlight was getting a girls-only crowdsurf during I thiiiiiink it was Devil Inside Me, threatening to decapitate any handsy male who tried groping them, stating that we are all equal, to which the Andy Dick looking motherfucker creepily rubbed his hands together when the subject of groping young women came up, and sulked when Frank said that we were all equal. I hope you do get decapitated, pal.

9/10

The Killers

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SRF0q6z60hc

Best part about where we camp is that we can hear about four stages clearly. I heard The Killers. In this same time period, I had violent diarrhoea. Go figure.

Chic

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2khokvlf_Y

I also heard funktastic disco legends Chic from our tent, which was much, MUCH better, for am I of the opinion that there are few finer guitarists in this world than Nile Rodgers. This set delivered by the bucketload, featuring, Everybody DanceGood TimesLe Freak, fucking He’s the Greatest Dancer, Let’s Dance, GET FUCKING LUCKY, and Good Times. Also featuring a funk off between Nile Rodgers and Jerry Barnes. Jesus Christ.

9/10

Biffy Clyro

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wlPt8C5Fnxk

First things first. Biffy should have headline before Sheeran. They’ve got greater pedigree, more albums, more prowess and more fucking everything than someone playing a small guitar. There. I said it. Although someone leaving Chic was saying “I hate Biffy Clyro, he(?)’s shit, ooh, Courteeners are on”. Confusing.

But then again, Biffy were a wildcard. I’d have never painted a band of their demeanour as Glastonbury sub-headliners but they made sure that they secured themselves a second invitation. Definite 2019/20 headliners.

The set was a mix of old and new, opening with Wolves of Winter and ending with Stingin’ Belle,whist throwing Who’s Got A Match?Bubbles, Medicine, Re-Arrange and Animal Style in between those two delicious slices of bread. Also they threw in Puzzle album track 9/15ths because why not? It’s fucking brilliant.

Seriously though, Biffy delivered in a big way, and proved their worth as certified festival headliners.

9/10

Boy Better Know

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0_BzqnpyVM8

My relationship with BBK is strained at best. Whilst I remember the days before JME and Skepta had albums and were world renown, I just can’t seem to enjoy a live set, and neither did Glastonbury, as barely anybody showed up. To be honest, the only song I really recognised was That’s Not Me, leading me to realise I’m quite behind on the times with BBK, but will forever remember playing songs like Serious and Doin’ It Again on repeat. Sometimes, the past is best left in the past.

6/10, I guess.

WEEKEND VERDICT

Yet again, this magical festival met my expectations and exceeded them. I had a fantastic weekend with quite literally, all my friends, having a laugh, getting drunk and mooching around the numerous exciting and interesting areas, sights, sounds and indeed, smells, this festival has to offer. Sure I could’ve spent my weekend religiously seeing a lot of bands, but there’s no fucking fun in in that. I could’ve been up, bright and breezy to see someone I’ve never heard of who might be alright, but I’d be on my own, or I could’ve gone for a greasy breakfast and had a few cans with my friends.

What I’m trying to say is that music is beautiful, it’s wonderful and it’s lifesaving, but it’s meaningless if I can’t enjoy it with my pals. They’re the real headliners of any festival, and the highlight of any set. I had a fucking great weekend and had gotten my money’s worth by Wednesday evening, because we were all having a laugh together.

So here’s my final review:

My Pals

A great set from the 14-piece roast-and-booze ensemble, notable highlights including Broken Chairs, Stone Colding Beers, Dancing to Bassline Junkie in the Tent and of course, Saturday Night Piss Up. Could never ask for more from an act.

14/10


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