10 Worst Songs of 2017

Last year our disdain seemed to be focussed on right-wing racists, a newly elected tangerine and a bucket load of celebrity deaths. 2017 changed this big time by…well nothing has really changed bar celebrities becoming dead to us rather than six feet under. Another thing that has remained rather consistent is the amount of horrible music we’ve been graced (?) with. Of course, there have been plenty of amazing tunes that still give us faith in the art form but there’s a lot that have done the complete opposite – 10 to be exact. So without further ado, here’s our tight and rage-fuelled list that had us reaching for the skip button… 

10. Arcade Fire – Chemistry

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bh87aqB-0KU

One part ska, one part reggae, Chemistry is the epitome of influence overriding a song: popping up around halfway through Arcade Fire‘s Everything Now, the track seems set to ruin any enjoyment that the listener may have been having up till this point with its stomach-churning mesh of influences.

There’s a line on one of the weakest cuts off the band’s new LP, though they’re not hard to come by, where Win Butler chimes about dancing “with your boyfriend all night long, tell him that you really, really love his song“: if the tune in mind happened to be Chemistry then I get the feeling the partner in question would be saying it through gritted teeth. – Liam Menzies (@blnkclyr)

9. G Eazy – Him & I (Ft. Halsey)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SA7AIQw-7Ms

Like a bargain bin (03) Bonnie & Clyde, Gregory Eazy, and Halsey have linked up on what is, in my opinion, one of the single worst songs released in 2017.

We’ve been absolutely blessed when it comes to quality music this year, artists like Charli XCX, Tove Lo, Dua Lipa, Carly Rae Jepsen and Sigrid especially keeping pop music interesting and catchy as fuck. Leave it to Halsey and G-Eazy to buck this trend. This is lazy pop-rap at it’s worst. An uninspired hook from Halsey, a sleep-inducing beat from whatever factory it was shat out of and, bluntly, G-Eazy cannot rap to save his life. He’s awful, and I cannot for the life of me fathom how he’s gotten as popular as he is. An utter, utter mystery.

If, for some weird reason, you want to listen to a pop star and a rapper collaborate, here’s a list of better songs than this: Kendrick Lamar & Rhianna – LOYALTY. Eminem and Dido – Stan. 2pac and Elton John – Ghetto Gospel. Katy Perry and Kanye West – ET. Francis and the Lights and Chance, The Rapper – May I Have This Dance?. Estelle and Kanye West – American Boy. I could go on, but I won’t because I imagine you get the idea.

In short, stop supporting G-Eazy because he’s bad and stop supporting Halsey because she’s trash. Toodle pip! – Jake Cordiner (@jjjjaketh)

8. Liam Payne – Strip That Down

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vSW2M-BB1NE

Before one of you indie fucks hits out with the “well Liam Payne was in One Direction, of course his debut single is gonna suck“, I have two things to say to you: 1) Harry StylesSign Of The Times and 2) you’re sadly right about this tune being god awful.

With a beat that sounds like the regurgitated remains of Iggy Azalea’s Fancy, Strip That Down feels like it’s constantly trying too hard to be explicit and cool: Quavo is big right now? Let’s chuck him in. People remember me as the teen from that boy band? Let’s talk about how into sex I am! I love sex! I always tell the ladies I’m gonna bring the Payne!

The biggest offence of Strip Me Down is just how boring it is: Payne’s vocals, while not terrible, are so devoid of any charm or notable trait that you’ll probably find yourself drifting off throughout it, stripped down into your jammies. – LM

7. Liam Gallagher – Wall Of Glass

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YdJc7-ZEuT0

Liam Gallagher‘s act is wearing a bit thin; middle-aged man takes pot shots at people & things, including his brother on Twitter and everyone laughs. Wall of Glass, the lead single from his roundly underwhelming solo effort, As You Were,  was wearing thin whilst it was going through the mixing desk.

Not even Greg Kurstin, wonder pop producer could shake this nightmare awake. One of the worst things about this track is the whiny lead guitar: lead guitar should scream, this groans. The lyrical theme leaves the ears wanting and the delivery sounds like an old Manc dad trying to sing Oasis after 15 pints of Carling.

Just because Liam Gallagher can, doesn’t mean he should; Beady Eye were wholesomely underwhelming, and As You Were was largely disappointing. If you’re going to do something like this, whole arse it, instead of half arsing it and letting your reputation build the hype. – Oliver Butler (@notoliverbutler)

6. Kasabian – You’re In Love With A Psycho

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kimPUWSwxIs

Remember that unholy trio of Kasabian, Empire & West Ryder Pauper Lunatic Asylum? Those three albums were chock full of choice tracks, and sure Velociraptor had its moments, 48:13 was… different, and by the time we got to For Crying Out Loud, Serge’s beans had been blown and he was gasping for air.

You’re In Love With a Psycho feels like a band trying to write a Kasabian song, and missing the mark. Further to the point, in 2017, where so many musicians have talked so openly about mental health issues, with several losing their lives as a result, are the lyrics wholly appropriate?

This song is representative of the whole album; there’s nothing overwhelmingly bad about it, but it’s wholesomely forgettable. Drunk you can take the wheel to songs like L.S.F and Fire, sober you is struggling to work out who took lead vocals on You’re In Love With a Psycho. – OB

5. The Chainsmokers & Coldplay – Something Just Like This

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FM7MFYoylVs

The epitome of shallow, vapid, soulless corporate pop concocted by the musical equivalent of those weird twenty-year-old guys studying photography in college who message sixteen-year-old girls stating they’re “fascinated by their minds lol xD”. The only hint that Coldplay actually features on the track is courtesy of the reliably beige Chris Martin, whose ham-fisted piano playing and whiny, strained vocals somehow never go out of fucking fashion, unlike the EDM drops and synthesisers that plague this smash hit that died a death back in 2014.

Listening to Something Just Like This is a bit like blow-torching your nipples on some form of incredibly powerful hallucinogenic drug – you think it’s a bit of harmless fun, but in reality, the experience is painful, unrewarding, and worrying for anybody around you. – Josh Adams (@jxshadams)

4. KSI – Creature

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CkUu7GBuxkk

It’s the end of 2017 and KSI is still a thing, unfortunately. He is still insistent on making a name for himself a grime artist despite no one over the age of 14 asking for it. Making his big “comeback” with Creature, KSI claims he has “been doing a lot of learning” but whatever he learnt it wasn’t either how to write a decent verse or deliver it with any sincerity.

The lyrics range from unbelievably stupid to outright hypocritical such as his claim that his “only advice is to love and forgive” despite having proven himself multiple times this year to be insensitive towards mental health issues and publicly body shaming a fellow YouTuber.

His flow is choppy and awkward as always, so much so the only three or four lines he delivers well in the second verse he actually repeats, assumably to save himself any further embarrassment. Creature can be filed along with the myriads of other evidence that YouTubers should not assume themselves to be musicians. – Ethan Woodford (@human_dis4ster)

3. Jake Paul – Everyday Bro

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSlb1ezRqfA

A truly abysmal, laughable attempt at hip-hop. An abomination. To be fair, it’s hard to decide whether this entire track was conceived as some sort of joke – a Socratic self-aware parody of privileged white kids on the internet, perhaps. If so, the joke is very much on us.

Through an inexplicable series of events, it reached #3 on iTunes despite being written in a day, not to mention achieving widespread infamy for its obnoxious lyrics and its dull, uninspired beat. Jake Paul was no doubt laughing all the way to the bank, however – safe in the knowledge that unleashing this festering turd of a song would augment his already considerable paycheck (rumoured to be in the region of “10 with six zeros“).

Attempting to critically analyse the track’s content is a waste of time as most of the lyrics revolve around petty beef with fellow YouTubers, such as the equally insufferable PewDiePie, as well as boasting of their social media success. Some particularly cringe-inducing lines from the Team 10 arsenal includes the opening line of Jake’s first verse, “I Usain Bolt and run, catch me at game one”, and Tessa Brooks’ baffling diatribe about Alissa Violet: “I’m flyin’ like a drone / They buying like a loan”. Not to be outdone, Nick Crompton’s mercifully short-lived verse sees him rhyming “shitty” with “litty” and announces that “England is my city”.

Pitbull? Eat yer heart out. Utter shambles. – Kieran Cannon (@kiercannon)

2. Ed Sheeran – Galway Girl

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=87gWaABqGYs

Not many things annoy me more than people who are not rappers, trying to rap. Which is why Galway Girl by Ed Sheeran has earned its rightful place on this list.

Amazingly, the lyrics manage to feel clunky and out of place, but also painfully predictable. The combination of folk music, cheesy Irish stereotypes and the cheerful beat, come together to create a song that everyone either seems to love or despise. Although Sheeran’s recent album was one of the highest selling of the year, Galway Girl is not only incredibly overplayed but also the most cringe-worthy song to come out of 2017.

Initially, I could handle it, but the constant hoard of drunk people on nights out attempting to rap along must come to an end.  – Isabella McHardy (@isabellamchardy)

1. Taylor Swift – Look What You Made Me Do

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3tmd-ClpJxA

It will come as little surprise to anyone (who’s not called Josh Adams) that Taylor Swift’s comeback single Look What You Made Me Do has been chosen as blinkclyro’s worst track of 2017. Before this track’s release, it would be fair to say that Swift was an artist unlikely to win any personality contests, however, she largely kept her undesirable public persona out of her music, until the release of the lead single from reputation.

Look What You Made Me Do may be the pettiest track that someone of Swift’s stature has ever released, not so much referencing but revelling in some of her pettiest beefs, which everyone but Swift seems to have moved on from. Astonishingly, however, the lyrics aren’t the worst part of the track by a long shot. Swift abandoned her sugary pop landscape for a cheap, generic trap beat which she lands on top of like a monkey on ice – for parts of the track, her vocal delivery ventures into a form of rapping which can’t be described as any better than sickening.

After all this slating, we haven’t even got into the chorus yet: it literally consists of Swift speaking the track’s title monotonously with the cadence of I’m Too Sexy (For My Shirt). Yes, it’s that bad. Finally, if you can make it through that voicemail message without wanting to vomit everything you’ve ever eaten, you’re a stronger person than I’ll ever be. – Andrew Barr (@weeandreww)

10 Worst Songs of 2016

By Liam Menzies (@blinkclyro)

As we bid farewell to 2016, arguably the shittest year in terms of right wing racists and celebrity deaths this century, and reminisce on all the high-quality albums and singles the year has provided. Of course, there are plenty that I’ve missed out and it goes without saying that these are personal choices and that if you genuinely like any of these songs then good for you and I am glad that you see something in these that I do not: too bad you’re not writing this.

In addition to that, if there are any songs that you think are missing or don’t deserve to be here then don’t forget to drop a comment in the section below. With that being said, in no particular order, let’s get on with it…

10.Blink-182 – Rabbit Hole

Oh blink-182. One of my favourite acts (can you not tell from the URL?)  you managed to put me at ease after the departure of founding member Tom Delonge with the delightfully solid track Bored To Death off your upcoming album California only to deliver this….thing. Rabbit Hole oddly enough falls into the same pitfall that Bored To Death barely skipped over with the lyrics and sound being too stuck in the past. Every line uttered just sounds like the ramblings off some 17-year old’s Tumblr page and not that of a forty odd-year-old who has shown his songwriting ability by managing to tackle some interesting subject matter. Thankfully the rest of the album wasn’t as abysmal as Rabbit Hole though it seems like the “triumphant return” of one of pop punk’s biggest bands was more than a little underwhelming.

9. Drake – One Dance

I can tell that I’m going to get a lot of slack for featuring Drake on this list but bare with me. Firstly, I’m not huge on Views: it’s somehow more of a mess than The Life Of Pablo with lifeless tracks devoid of any emotion and sometimes effort with One Dance being the epitome of that. Managing to stay at number one for weeks on end, the track is no doubt catchy but overall unambitious despite the afrobeat influences and influencers that appear on it. That’s not to say I don’t like Drake, shown by his appearance of last year’s best album list and the fact I’m willing paying £80 to see him next year.

As the year has gone on, and more intolerable tracks have made an appearance, it seems like the biggest problem with One Dance isn’t that it is objectively bad, it’s just wasted potential. Some may see it as the perfect club track but with Drake’s vocals being almost as drab as the piano mash that kicks off the song, I’m finding it harder and harder to get down with One Dance.

8. Mike Posner – I Took A Pill In Ibiza

If I took a pill everytime I had to listen to this song while working at my summer job, I’d OD which would be far more enjoyable than enduring Posner’s pish attempt at retaining his long lost relevance. Cooler Than Me was a product of its time and while you could mistake it for any late noughties pop song, it was at least tolerable. At one point during I Took A Pill, Posner mentions that he knows a sad song and due to how close to tears you’ll probably be if you have to listen to it for a second longer, it might be the most meta thing to come out of a year that included a fucking Deadpool movie.

7. Jacob Satorious – Sweatshirt

Considering the massive like to dislike ratio on the music video for this song, it’s not an unpopular decision to have Sweatshirt on this list. The second coming of annoying prepubescent teen pop, Jacob Satorious is harmless but that doesn’t make his music any less frutratingly generic and cringey. The reason why it’s not any higher is that, thanks to multiple remixes and satirical takes on the song, Sweatshirt has potential to make you laugh though that probably wasn’t Satorious’ intention. Despite that though, listen to this at your own risk. (Sorry Teagan Ner)

6. Jake Bugg – Ain’t No Rhyme

Credit where credit is due here: Jake Bugg’s new album isn’t the worst thing I’ve heard this year. While most of his recent LP On My One is sub-par at best, nothing that appears on the album is overly offensive to the ears like some of his discography. However, as soon as I came across Ain’t No Rhyme I felt revolted by Bugg trying to seem somewhat politically involved though it all comes off as impressive as Slaves going on about how we need to “take control” for the millionth time. More on that next week though. Bugg’s attempt at rapping or some variant of it is enough to have you reaching for the nearest bin.

5. The Stone Roses – All For One

If you’re going to return from a long-spanning hiatus, during which your debut album has accumulated a large amount of critical acclaim and a cult status, it’s probably best not to hit out with this as your comeback song. Back in the 80’s The Stone Roses were constantly hailed as one of the pioneering acts of music at the time and whether you disagree with that or not, there’s no doubt that I’d rather listen to anything else they’ve made than this generic BNQ advert drivel.

4. Fall Out Boy ft. Missy Elliott – Ghostbusters

While my affiliation with the Ghostbusters franchise isn’t as strong as the MRA’s who lost their shit with this year’s reboot, I, much like everyone else, found this remix of the classic theme tune very sacrilicious. The Missy Elliott verse is so out of place, not to mention plain as vanilla, Patrick Stump’s vocals seems overdone when the instrumentals are as uninteresting as they are and only when the song finally ends will you find some degree of enjoyment. They might not be afraid of no ghost but they’re definitely feart of making decent music at their current rate.

3. Lukas Graham – 7 Years

I have reason to believe that this track is the cause for many of those working in retail to be in such a sour mood. Having peaked at Number One in February and seemingly managing to stay “relevant” since 7 Years is a song that goes out of its way to try and evoke nostalgia and tranquillity yet only manages to enrage with its bland instrumentals and mind-numbing lyrics. Message to Lukas Graham: if you’re going to sing about being seven years old, something that plenty have managed, at least tell us something interesting that isn’t about how you had no pals.

2. The Chainsmokers – Closer

Call me an over-reacting little waine but The Chainsmokers may be the worst thing to happen to the charts since Calvin Harris sold his soul to make souless, formulaic chart hits. The duo have been very prominent this year and, if I’m being honest, I wouldn’t expect to have had to ever write about them again after just how dated and forgetful their first hit Selfie was all the way back in 2014. Closer manages to be somehow worse than all of the other “hits” Chainsmokers have shown off by featuring another artist who is equally as devoid of any entertainment, that person being Halsey. Both artists come together to create a song that, while having a great deal of meme potential, is enough to send you into a generic electro induced coma.

1. Catfish And The Bottlemen – Glasgow

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And to finish things off,  here we have our old friends Catfish And The Bottlemen. The band, being the saints that they are, decided to find it in their hearts to sing a heartfelt song about Scotland’s favourite music thriving city by doing it the only way they can: putting no effort in and consuming far too much alcohol to realise what a mistake they had made. Whether it be just how dire the song is, acoustic does not give you the excuse to be boring, or the blood curling way Van pronounces Sauchiehall Street, there’s plenty to love here! Wait, scratch that, I meant hate. Hate.

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