Alternative Jobs For Students

Originally posted back in August of 2014 and before I received my exam results, I decided to have a bit of a laugh and list some possible career paths if uni doesn’t work out for you.


If you’re a student from Scotland or any other part of the UK then you’re no doubt revising relentlessly, maybe constantly checking UCAS or you’re already at Uni and crying into your fifth can of energy juice in the library. Worrying about if you’ll ever get your degree and even when you’ve got that you’re not even guaranteed a job afterwards. With the state of the world today you’re never short of new things to worry about, whether it’s a new virus or another Sam Pepper prank.

Fear not though because as much as your parents may blame television and video-games for turning your mind into a bunch of mush that resembles mashed potatoes, how about we take some inspiration from them to get us some money?

Become a Meth Kingpin

Yeah, maybe you’ll need a PHD to create your own unique type but people have been doing it for decades without a single grade to their name so there’s that problem sorted with, BITCH. All you’ll need is the chemicals, a sidekick who’s more emotionally unstable than a bridge made out of Mars bars and a bad ass alias with some form of headwear. Just don’t go for a fedora, no one finds a drug manufacturer who talks about feeling euphoric and crying about being friendzoned menacing at all.

Become A Mob Boss

From eating as much food as you could ever wish for to having enough money that would make a small third world country envious, this one sounds the most appealing out of all the jobs listed. That’s if you can put up with the multiple hits put on you and anyone you’ve ever loved, gotta take the good with the bad I suppose. Also calling anyone you hate a cazzo or a puttana would be way more satisfying and cool so it’s the dream occupation.

Join A Biker Gang

Just like the previous job, being in a biker gang is gonna get you into a lot of shit. If it’s not bad enough having your friends and family targeted, there’s the FBI wannabes breathing down your neck and watching your every move and they’re not ones to take bribes. I don’t know what’s worse, that or the fact you’ll need to get a stupid looking haircut as well. It’s not all that bad though, like a great psychotic man once said, first you’ll get the money, then you’ll get the power and then you’ll look like a cheap Kurt Cobain knockoff.

Open A Bar

Any job that revolves around alcohol is bound to have its perks and having your own bar is no exception. Drinking your own stock while coming up with other schemes to make money like living on welfare whilst addicted to crack or becoming a male escort, it’s the dream situation. If can’t Charlie write and a bar run then can anyone do!

Work at the banana stand